Click the bird to return to 98 index
The Love’s Supreme Desire Tabloid
September 1998
Feel free to copy/distribute as long as the Tabloid is reproduced in its
entirety and not deliberately misrepresented. Entire contents copyright Blue
aka Bloobird unless authorship otherwise noted. Internet subscriptions are
free. To revoke your subscription, just say so. Most back issues available
at (http://www.eskimo.com:80/~davidk/faeries/pubs.htm).
*****************************************************************************
Be forewarned that in this issue I discuss my primary
relationship, sex life and other related issues. If you do not want to know
such things about me, don’t read them. Or go ahead and read them and pretend
you’re reading about someone you don’t know. It’s not easy for me to discuss
things like sex and my primary relationship (especially since Elroy of course
reads the Tabloid), but I have to write about them because I have made a
commitment to write the truth about my life to the best of my ability, with
intent to hurt none (but then is it really possible to be a writer and a
spiritual seeker while at the same time hurting no one?). I think I have
been less able to write the Tabloid lately because I have been afraid to
write about these things which I need to write about, and I can’t have it
that way. It’s got to be one or the other, and I choose to write instead
of being afraid of what might come out of my mouth and how others may receive
it. I can’t control everything, and all I know is my own experience, my own
needs, and my own spiritual path.
The universe provides for those who are fearless
and follow their inner voice no matter what the temporary cost. I have learned
that lesson time and time again but still forget it and must repeat the anxiety/fear/crisis/surrender/release/happiness
cycle all too often. Every time I relearn that lesson I receive abundance
of various kinds and emerge stronger and more confident that there is nothing
to fear. But each time I have to go through that cycle, it feels like the
first time. Strange how you forget things and have to get whacked upside
the head by the universe before you remember to have faith, to be trusting,
to let go of the illusion of control. But on the other side of this experience
there is always abundance and strength. I know I’m talking in abstractions
here but I also know that many of you out there know exactly what I’m talking
about. I’m certainly not the only one struggling with these things. The sacred
path is not an easy road but it is a good one, and I don’t mean good in the
moralistic sense of “good.” To be on the sacred path you also have to walk
a good bit in your own shadow, which often means doing things that others
may call “bad,” or selfish, or self- destructive. Only after walking in your
own shadow for a good long time can you really talk about walking in the
light, but there is no clear dilineation between the two. The shadow and
the light are part of the same thing and are inseparable. I personally don’t
like hanging around people who are all shadow, nor do I like hanging around
people who are all sweetness and light. People who have a good balance of
both are most appealing and credible to me. I think I tried to deny my shadow
so that I could be all light but now I’m convinced that that’s a simplistic
approach to life and spirituality. It certainly doesn’t make for very good
writing either. It’s still scary writing things that may hurt, upset or outrage
others or bring unwanted attention to one’s self. But it’s not good writing
if it’s not scary every time you put it out there, and it’s not true spirituality
if it’s not scary, either. Life and love involve taking risks in order to
grow, and one never knows exactly what they are growing towards. If only
we could freeze a moment in time and say, “my life is perfect right now,
I will never allow change to sully it.” But that would be as boring as fuck
and who would want that? Truthful living involves being true to one’s self
first, committing to go wherever the inner voice leads you, even if it means
you may hurt others along the way. I truly believe that “god/dess,” or the
universe, or whatever you want to call it, if you want to call it anything,
wants us to be completely happy and I truly believe that the only way to
be completely happy is to follow your inner voice. We are all alone on this
path we walk through life, though we may choose to walk part of the way with
another, or with others.
*****************************************************************************
Tabloid Tarot--- by Blue
The text I use is The Tarot Handbook: Practical Applications
of Ancient Visual Symbols. By Angeles Arrien (Arcus Publishing Company, 1987.
The deck I currently prefer is the visually stunning Thoth deck, designed
by Aleister Crowley and painted by Lady Frieda Harris. The question in my
mind is of a general nature, with the intention “what would be a beneficial
reading at this time for readers of the Tabloid?” I do a simple three-card
spread representing past, present and future.
The card I pulled for the past position is the Seven of
Wands (valour). According to the text, the Seven of Wands represents staying
true to what has greatest personal value and most life, light and love. If
one trusts their intuition and past experiences, creativity and future endeavors
“will unfold like the lotus blossoms, renew and regenerate themselves or
allow you to move in new directions that you value.” I drew this card in
this position last issue also. In July and August I was agonizing about whether
I wanted to continue writing the Tabloid, take a break from it for a while
or drop it all together. I am glad I stopped to think about this because
now I know that I do indeed want to continue writing the Tabloid. It is clearly
a challenge to me and something I feel strongly drawn to do, even though
I don’t know exactly why or what it is that I am doing in the grander scheme
of things. When I wasn’t writing it I missed it and felt slaggardly about
it, like a big important chunk of my life wasn’t being realized. I do love
writing and I think that what I am doing has some value, whether it becomes
apparent now or long after I’m dead really has no hold on me anymore. Maybe
I was feeling a bit like, “why am I writing this? Nobody cares anyway, maybe
it’s just my ego trips working overtime, maybe I’m self-indulgent.” But now
I know that I am not writing the Tabloid in the hope that it will make my
life fabulous or make me famous or any such bullshit. Not am I going to avoid
writing because I am afraid of, or rejecting such things. I am writing it
because I have a genuine need or desire to do so at my spiritual core and
that’s good enough reason for me. Maybe now I can stop overanalyzing my motives
and just get on with it.
The card representing the present is the Six of Cups,
or the “pleasure” card. This card represents emotional pleasure that is felt
deep within and spreads outward, affecting the outside world. It is a healing,
revitalizing pleasure that nurtures and supports growth and positive change.
I think I pulled this card because I have been recently going through one
of those anxiety cycles I mentioned earlier and now I am on the other side
of it. I’ll go more into that later. I think I also pulled this card because
I am still very happy working at General Bead, decorating my space into a
little faerieland, listening to funk music (even singing on the job, something
that was once unheard of for me as I was always too unhappy with whatever
schlep job I was enduring), learning a bit more every day about making jewelry
that is expressive of who I am. I’ve also been enjoying going to the YMCA,
swimming thirty or so laps a day, getting a delighted eye-full of those fearless
exhibitionist boys who play with themselves in the steam room and shower.
I think this card also has to say that I have been learning
to place positive boundaries on things that are pleasurable when in balance
and moderation. For instance, I used to smoke too much pot, I think. When
I had pot around the house I tended to smoke it nearly every day, which slowed
down my mind and body (even to the extent of shutting off my dreams or my
recollection of them the next morning, which was the most distressing thing
of all). Now I smoke pot when it is offered to me, but I don’t have it around
the house, at least not now anyway. I don’t miss it all that much, although
I still enjoy smoking it when the universe extends it to me. I have more
energy and alertness overall and my dreams are more vivid and interesting
(for example, two nights ago I dreamt I was hanging out with Grace Jones
and last night I dreamt I was piloting one of those teeny little space ships
that buzzed around over the snowy terrain in the opening scenes of “The Empire
Strikes Back”). Of course, I am not judging marijuana use in a negative sense
at all, just recognizing my own positive boundaries. Nearly all of my closest
friends smoke it regularly and I have had many moments of creative illumination
and loving, focused clarity and spiritual bliss while high. I consider marijuana
to be a basically harmless and generally positive herb which has the potential
to be abused to detrimental effect (like anything else). I have been experiencing
occasional nausea with the meds that I am on and if that (or appetite) becomes
a problem in the future, you can bet your ass that I’ll be smoking pot to
get over it.
The other pleasurable thing that I used to abuse was sex.
I think I was even addictive/compulsive about it, and so by definition pursued
it at times for all the wrong reasons and even a bit recklessly. I used to
go to a South of Market Street bar where people have sex in the bathroom,
and occasionally to a “straight” porno theater in the Tenderloin (appropriately
called the “Gaiety”). Mostly I enjoyed watching people having sex and being
in such a surreal, sexual outlaw environment. I am a voyeur and a bit of
an exhibitionist, and there is a mysteriously thrilling vibe in such places
that you will find nowhere else. I won’t have any one of you out there tut-tutting
me now because every single one of us is a kinky motherfucker in one way
or another and you know it (even the President of the United States, but
you’ve heard enough about that). Some of the most brilliant people ever to
come down the hatch, artists, scientists, geniuses of all kinds, have been
sexual transgressors (so have a whole lot of perfectly ignorant fucks, but
that’s beside the point). The problem for me in going to such places is the
overwhelming temptation to get drawn into the action (especially if alcohol
is involved). Compounding the problem is the fact that it seems like everyone
throwing down under the red light has an unconscious death wish (like I did,
when I was drunk and depressed and went to a place of sexual abandon and
got exposed to the virus) or has never heard of safe sex. I’m here to say
that if any of you are out there under the red light assuming that the guy
you are doing is HIV-negative, you are being totally naive and I’m here to
tell you what time it is. One time a guy got pissy at me because I asked
him nicely not to go down on me (even though this is considered more or less
safe, I am not totally convinced. After my night of sexual exhilaration and
humiliation and sobbing walk miles home in dead of night, I saw blood at
my gum line and it wasn’t long before I turned up positive). It never occurred
to him, I guess, that I may have been doing him a favor. Once I watched a
small skinny man as he sloppily sat on the edge of a trough urinal sucking
nearly every cock that was put up in his face. I wondered if he were positive,
whether he knew or cared anymore. I wondered if any of those men who shoved
their dicks in his mouth that night were positive. Later he stumbled through
the bar and fell on the floor drunk. Nobody sprang to his assistance. I took
this as a sign from the universe that this was an excessive scene that was
demoralizing and self-destructive. I mean, I had been feeling like that already
because whenever I have had utterly meaningless sex I always felt like shit
afterward. I am not placing any judgement on this kind of sexual expression,
just saying that it always made me feel like shit afterwards. I used to think
that I was just experiencing residual Catholic guilt but now I’m convinced
that it goes deeper than that, it’s my own my inner voice telling me what
works for me and what doesn’t. I can appreciate the attraction to sexual
abandon because I’ve been there myself, and if it works for other people,
that’s their business. But it’s time for me (past time now) to set up some
positive boundaries for myself regarding sex.
What I have learned recently though is that there is sex
that is demoralizing and destructive, and there is affection-sex play that
is in good alignment with higher spiritual goals and aspirations. There is
sex that is connected to the love of a primary partner and there is sex that
is connected with the love of a friend and a circle of magic. The two need
not be mutually exclusive. Elroy and I have been having issues around this
lately because I recently brought up what was unexpressed about our relationship
and our sex life (out of respect for him, I’m not going to go into too much
detail). Suffice it to say that our discussion was very instrumental in pointing
out to me that I had in fact been using outside sex for all the wrong reasons
because of my tendency to avoid direct communication and to doubt his love
for me. As you all know, I have trouble with intimacy and with trusting other
people. This goes way back to my childhood, and it’s unlikely to completely
disappear any time soon, though I continue to work on it and make progress.
Both Elroy and myself are not very good at deep communication with each other
unless we hit a point where we suddenly realize that we really need to talk
about stuff deeper than what they cats are up to, what movies we want to
watch, politics and stuff like that. I’m not exactly sure why this is and
I haven’t decided whether or not this is an indication of deeper problems
in the relationship. I do know that we are very different people who have
many things in common and many things not in common. I guess one of the most
suffice ways to say this is to say that I am a radical faerie and he is not.
For those of you who do not know what a radical faerie is, feel comforted
in knowing that there is no finite definition upon which everyone agrees.
But key elements in my mind are a love/worship of nature, fertility, merriment,
playfulness, spiritual exploration, physicality, eccentricity, and a strong
desire to follow the inner voice which is unique to each person. Other people
say that the emphasis in the term radical faerie should be placed upon the
word “radical,” as in radical politics in particular, and others feels that
the emphasis should be placed on the word “faerie,” as in the faeries of
lore, which is a plenty radical identity in and of itself. I’m not much into
politics because all the anger and bitterness usually turns me off, though
I have done lots of political stuff in the past and consider my writing to
be a political act, but in the social sense of the word. I tend towards the
radical in spiritual and personal modes of expression, and some of the faces
of the divine that I identify with most easily are the Native American Kokopelli
(trickster), the Sacred Fool (from the Tarot), the erect and mischievous
Pan, Roman party guy Bacchus, and the Pagan Green Man. Elroy, who I do love
very much despite our differences which sometimes chafe one or both of us,
as I said, is not a radical faerie, though he is fun in lots of other ways.
Like I said, we recently had a discussion (which I initiated) about deeper
things going on in our relationship which needed to be addressed, and the
long and short of it was that Elroy feels that he does not want to be in
an open relationship and he wasn’t sure how to reconcile that with his love
for me. When he said that, I immediately realized that I may lose him over
this and I just started crying and crying, which is unusual for me, and very
significant. It’s significant because I realized that even though we are
so different in our needs, socioeconomic class/aspirations, modes of expression,
in our levels of risk-taking in life, our spirituality and so on, I
really do love him on a deep level and I don’t want to lose him. I mean,
I have acted on the stage in the past but I could never cry on command, and
this wasn’t about fearing for my material security or anything like that.
I didn’t feel that until later. I just suddenly realized, I do really love
him and we’ve both been a foolish by not communicating our needs more directly
(yet still wondering why it is that we do not communicate more deeply), and
I really don’t want to lose this wonderful man who has been so good to me
in so many ways.
I told him that I was willing to try to change my philandering,
and I sincerely meant it, but almost immediately afterward began to fear
that what I had said I would never be able to live up to. How could I be
a stay-at-home suburban monogamous type when this was so clearly against
my nature? I began to fear that I was trying to fit myself into a mold I
was never meant to fill, and that I would ultimately end up hurting Elroy
by cheating on him, that I would lose him and yes, I began to feel real fear
over losing my home and material security. After days of such stress, praying
for some help and a sign, I went to the Thursday night faerie circle and
felt such good high loving magick there with my faerie family that I began
to realize what it was I needed to learn about this issue: shitty, anonymous
sex is not good for my basic nature, it doesn’t solve anything, just depresses
the hell out of me and hurts Elroy, and I do intend to stop that (or if I
must be compulsive, I’ll limit it to cyberspace---see info on how to be a
cybervoyeur below). But I cannot honestly say to Elroy that I will never
touch another man. For a radical faerie like me, it’s like asking the pope
to stop taking communion. And it’s not about sex, it’s about connection and
channeling loving energy and magick through your body. I cannot close my
heart down to the universally transformative powers of attraction and connection
with a close friend or faerie brother. I mean, if I could, I would, if it
were that simple. But then maybe I wouldn’t, I don’t know. I just don’t understand
the concept of marriage and monogamy and all that, when it comes right down
to it. We consider ourselves married but what does that mean? It doesn’t
insulate us from change, from the pull of our hearts, from the pull of our
spirits toward something that we connect with on some mysterious, chemical,
magnetic level. Can anyone who is married, even happily, honestly say that
they are not, if only subconciously, simultaneously on the lookout for Mr.
Really, Really, Really Right? Can anyone who is fairly content with whatever
it is that they are doing in their lives honestly say that they will never
find something more authentic to their basic nature? I cannot seal myself
off from such influences even if I tried. My first commitment is to myself
and my spiritual path, my authentic happiness, whatever the cost. That’s
what it means to be fully alive. I am in a long-term relationship but I am
still an individual, I am still alone and still travelling through life on
my own, only the universe will provide for me (not another person) and I
will not be a coward. I gave this situation over to a higher power (in fact
the whole period of turmoil followed a ritual I did in the backyard, writing
my needs out about this situation, about sex/love/relationships etc and then
burning the letter under the full moon, which is my favorite ritual that
nearly always works almost immediately) and I find myself still with Elroy,
knowing that I love him and that he loves me even with all of our differences.
I hope after reading this Tabloid he has a greater understanding of the compromises
that are required when two people love each other. We both do things that
annoy one another, but all relationships are like that. In short, if I sat
here and typed, “I will never touch another man,” that would be bullshit,
and I’m not saying something he doesn’t already know. I’m just being honest
now so nobody gets hurt. Can you expect a bird to stop flying? If I wanted
to, there are lots of things I could ask him to change, but I know he wouldn’t
be able to. I accept that because I trust my own tears. When I burst out
crying, I knew I loved him and from his words, I know that he loves me. I
so wish we could have better communication so that we wouldn’t have to repeat
this cycle of crisis/warm loving making up/then back to the usual, but then
I guess that’s just the way our relationship works, and we’ve only had a
few times like these and each time I come out knowing that our relationship
is strong even though we are very different sorts of people. Each time I
know that I love Elroy and want to be with him despite our differences.
The card representing the future is The Eight of Disks,
or the prudence, wisdom and “harvest tree” card. Boy, does that make sense,
in terms of the very last sentence I just typed above. This card deals with
the fact that harvest follows order, not chaos, and harvest follows trust,
it does not follow control. According to the text, “prudence and wisdom are
those qualities of not pushing to make things happen, nor resistance or holding
back... The eight of disks reminds us of that state of consciousness that
does not move to extremes or overextends itself externally. It is operating
from a place of centerdness and integration, or from a place of order rather
than chaos.” In the image on the card, the coins have exploded into flowers
and are perfectly protected by leaves that embrace each bloom. Seeing as
in the whole Tabloid I have been talking about having more order in my life,
more centerdness, more integration, more authenticity, more truthfulness,
this card is a reassuring sign.
*****************************************************************************
Long-haired Gods still walk the Earth
Long-haired Gods
still walk the Earth
and there are among them
those who practice the love of man
for man
and even more have attuned themselves
in preparation for the gathering of people...
gypsies... lovers...
Soon to celebrate their freedom
across the land.
We are strong...
But our hearts are not closed tight!
We are colorful...
We are peacock-like!
We are not afraid!
We do not need to prove
that we are men...
Our laughter and our music is enough!
---written by Haia Ted Berk in July of 1988, dedicated in faery love to my
star brother Ixe for when we ate magic mushrooms in the fourth dimensional
redwood forest of Mount Tamalpais on August 23, 1998
*****************************************************************************
“Homebody:” an installation by Nan B. Curtis, August 27-October 3, 1998 at
the Annex Gallery, Pacific Northwest College of Art, 825 NW 13th, Portland,
OR (503) 227-4584
*****************************************************************************
The Tallulah Palooza Show at Josie's
Juice Joint in San Francisco (3563 16th Street, near the corner of Market
+ Noe) on September 24,25, and 26 at 8 pm. consists almost entirely of faeries.
It was born out of the Breitenbush Talent Show and will include Orlando(Tallulah),
Wind and Christopher, and Jim e Sparkle Pants. Tickets are $10 + reservations
can be made by calling 415-861-7933.
*****************************************************************************
***Many Worlds Are Born Tonight*** Samson Music - GC0141
Latest release by Happy Rhodes is simply an awe-inspiring,
amazing work of art. It’s safe to say that Miss Rhodes has indeed succeeded
in Building the Colossus and now she prevails in a class of musical Genius
all her own. Miss Rhodes is carving her own niche into the future of music,
and Many Worlds Are Born Tonight is her mark through that threshold.
The layering and texturing of soundscapes has become a
trademark of Happy‚s. For the new inductee and the seasoned fan, a
set of good headphones becomes a great tool for listening pleasure.
Hearing the wizardry behind the layering of textures and techno-elements
that are constructed in each track brings full appreciation for her artistry.
Step by step, Happy seductively pulls us in to get a glimpse
of her secret worlds...the kind of stuff that dreams are made of, not forgetting
the shadows and darkness that tend to lurk from within. Highlighted
tracks include:
Many Worlds Are Born Tonight - The title track has a techno/bluesy
feel; steady and transfixed. Happy continues to remind us all of the simple
truths that life provides...just in case we‚ve forgotten how easy things
can be. "If you want, then want alot/It's the only way to be sure/Listen
to what moves you, and let the moon catch your memories".
The Chariot - A haunting track that renders a glimpse
of Happy‚s earlier works, Ecto and Warpaint. A great tune for a walkman
that can make you feel like you‚re floating instead of walking, one of Happy‚s
magical qualities of her craft.
Ra is a Busy God - Happy continues to let us know that
she's still not a grown up. Her child-like innocence even allows her to chat
with the deities on a casual, first name basis while playing sing-song games
with them.
If Wishes Were Horses How Beggars would Ride - A spacey,
ethereal waltz through a dreamscape of darkness and tears.
Roy - smooth and even somewhat danceable, this would make
a prime candidate for a music video, and is sure to be a popular request
with College Radio. I‚m really not accustomed to hearing an obvious
„hook‰ in Happy‚s music, so this caught me by surprise. A „hook‰ in
songwriting lingo is an element (usually the title or a part of the title)
in a song the grabs the listener‚s attention and tends to stay in their mind
after the song is over. The real highlight of this track is a simple
melodic violin solo provided by Rob Taylor that glides along with Happy‚s
voicings. And then of course there‚s a stunning question that took
someone like Happy to finally ask... "and tell me maker, can you repair what
you make?"... At this point in the recording, it‚s clear that Happy
becomes identifiable as the hero, navigating her journey of self discovery
in and out of the shadows of life, always willing to share both her good
and bad news with us all.
Tragic - I believe this is destined to be my favorite
track on the disc. The melody in itself is about as Tragic as Tragic can
sound. „I see you because you are Tragic, and I need you for the same/There‚s
a little bit of you in me, you can‚t escape what you became‰. There are some
chordal developments here that are almost beyond belief...this is
the track that literally opened Many Worlds for myself. The chorus
when repeated at midpoint is accompanied by a full-blown sampled chorus that
reminds me of a classical Requiem. Very powerful stuff.
Proof - Another cut with a serious Techno edge, reminiscent
of the work of one of Happy‚s known influences, David Bowie.
Winter - Suspended in the cosmos...time eternal...bliss...nirvana...It
appears Happy has taken us to the „other side‰ for a glimpse into eternity.
A soul waiting to be reborn. She asks yet another question that leaves
one in amazement...‰Now all that remains, is which one to champion my soul?‰.
Miss Rhodes has a knack for providing a musical treasure
at the end of a work („Glory‰ from Building the Colossus, „In Hiding‰ from
Warpaint), and the final track „Serenading Genius‰ is no exception.
This song stands as a reason unto itself for owning Many Worlds. Prevailing
elements musically describe the spontaneity of realization. Epiphany.
Hope. Regeneration. "I don't sing because I‚ve found it, I sing because
i'm looking for it". Yes, it appears Happy is singing from a mountain
top and that she has found it, but if one second guesses the sound of the
call, it indeed can just as easily be interpreted as a yearning. Happy
invokes her finest here, weaving musical patterns from thin air.
As with other releases by Miss Rhodes, this one will undoubtedly provide
many, many worlds just waiting to be realized after several listenings.
It‚s great to have another album to highly recommend for the first-time listener
of Miss Rhodes, as this is her tenth release to date. After being immersed
in such a pool of splendor, one can only hope that Happy‚s latest endeavor
reaches as many ears as possible. This world can use something as ideal
as this to open hearts and stretch imaginations to new heights.
Happy is starting a national tour this fall. For
more info about Happy and tour dates, check out the URL‚s listed below:
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Studios/3450/terra.html
http://www.samsonmusic.com/happy_home.htm
http://miso.wwa.com/~vickie/happy/happy.html
***Many Worlds Are Born Tonight*** Samson Music - GC0141
Timm Lyons is a free-living free-lance musician and songwriter from San Francisco
who‚s been immersed in the trappings of the music industry for over 8 years.
He‚s been a judge in the national Association For Independent Musicians (AFIM)
as well as the Northern California Songwriter‚s Association (NCSA).
When not playing the violin or
crafting a tune on the keyboard, he‚s most likely spending time with good
friends and/or his dog Parsifal.
Time is not money. Time is art.