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Love’s Supreme Desire Tabloid, August 1999 (enjoyable read by Agnes or Fred
in Simpletext)
Hey, whattup. Wow, big changes in my life; positive, stabilizing
ones. I’ve just started a new job at a Starbucks near the base of the TransAmerica
pyramid. I’m looking forward to learning how to make all those coffee drinks
I’ve loved over the years. I generally enjoyed my retail experience at General
Bead, but this time around I’ll be getting health benefits, stock options,
a 401K program, career growth potential within a successful company, good
stuff I haven’t had in my life in many years. Why good? Because these
things give me a greater sense of taking care of my own shit, so I won’t
have to worry so much and be stressed out about finances all the time. Sure
I know these things could be taken away at any time, but I’m happy to welcome
them into my life. At first when I got the job at Starbucks I was freaking
out: “am I going to hate working for such a huge corporation? Am I selling
out? What’s this all about, anyway?” Any change, positive or negative, can
be stressful. I was agonizing over whether I should leave General Bead, because
I have friends there and it’s a more unique and on the surface a more politically-correct
place, but deep inside I knew I was ready for a change. I liked the job but
when it came right down to it, I was hoping for more upward mobility, more
stability in terms of benefits, yeah, and more money. Is that so wrong? Am
I a yuppy now or just an HIV+ realist who is hanging on by his fingernails
and trying to pull himself up to a steadier station in life? I know the answer
to that; I am not a yuppy, I’m just trying to hang on.
Basically, I’m being very responsible and trying to cover
my ass in case my health goes down the toilet and I need to go on disability.
If I get benefits I’m likely to go to the doctor more often and take better
care of my health. If I establish a higher rate of income now, then if I
have to rely on Social Security later I’ll have higher monthly payments.
Health issues aside, when I took the job at Starbucks, a big part of my decision
was my desire to learn some new things and have greater responsibility. I
know it’s just a coffee joint (well, a huge coffee joint), but it’s a very
professional place and that sort of appeals to me at this stage in my life.
I’ve done the bohemian thing for years now and it’s just too stressful. Now
I accept a nice boring workaday life during the week. I’ll feel good letting
it rip on the weekends like all those other working stiffs. Anyway, we’ll
see how it works out. If I hate it I can always get another job.
It’s funny that making this change is more radical for
me than if I were to do something like hitch hike across the country, or
quit work altogether and live in the country somewhere, that sort of hippy
thing. First of all, I wouldn’t want to hitchhike across the country. Too
cold, too soggy, not enough food. I wouldn’t want to quit work because I
tried that once and instead of writing or making jewelry, I mostly just sat
at home drinking coffee, watching videos and jacking off. I ended up feeling
depressed and isolated. I wouldn’t want to live in the bucolic countryside
because I am a city boy. If you want to live in the city, especially an expensive
city like San Francisco, honey, you better work. And I’m OK with that. Work
is a good thing. It keeps people out of trouble, allows them to buy stuff
they want and need. To readers of the tabloid, it may seem as though I were
a radical beatnik/peacenik freak, and on some levels (and certainly from
a far right-wing perspective) that is true. But on other levels (and from
a far-left perspective) I am a very boring, ordinary American person who
wants to have a good, steady job, a happy home life, a refrigerator full
of food and something good on TV.
The weird thing about my new job so far is getting used
to the crazy hours. Some days I open the store at 4:30 AM and go home at
1 PM. Other days I may go in at 2:30 PM and leave the store at 7 PM. Although
I’m not that wild about getting up at 2:45 in the morning, I do enjoy the
half-hour walk from the Tenderloin to the Financial District. I walk down
Geary, past the fashion design shops of Union Square in the black of early
morning with no one else around. I could sing at the top of my lungs and
nobody would bat an eye. It’s cool to get off work in the early afternoon.
I can go to the matinee, or off to the beach, whatever I want to do (assuming
I’m not too pooped to do it). I also enjoy having weekends free like other
people. I had to work weekends at General Bead. Another thing I like about
my new job is that there’s a little redwood park right at the base of the
TransAmerica Pyramid, with flowers and a fountain. I chill out in the park
before I start my shift, or on my lunchbreak sometimes, feeding the pigeons
like an old man.
Well, a few days have passed since I wrote glowingly of
my new job, and I’ll be goddamned if a bit of the sparkle hasn’t already
worn off. I know you aren’t terribly surprised. What was I thinking? I quit
a low-key, basically fun job in one of the world’s most fabulous bead stores
to work my ass off brewing and serving coffee and wiping tables, wiping,
wiping, wiping from 4:30 AM to 1 PM or so. The past two days have been incredibly
busy. I stand at the cash register for hours upon hours serving an endless
line of young urban professional coffee drinkers. Today sucked because I
got written up in only my second week on the job. Yesterday my register came
up $18.00 short. Of course I didn’t take it. Only a damn fool would intentionally
jeopardize a steady job which keeps a roof over his head for a measly $18.00.
But still, the money turned up missing. How? How the hell should I know?
Sometime during a day of trying my best to handle an endless stream of customers,
I fucked-up and lost $18.00, and I got written up for it. I was so upset
and exhausted after my shift today. I’ve been fighting a cold ever since
I started this job, probably due to the crazy early-morning hours and the
constant busting my ass for a company with an “if you’ve got time to lean,
you’ve got time to clean” philosophy. I came home thinking maybe I’d made
the wrong decision in quitting General Bead, and actually thought about going
over there and seeing if they would take me back before they hire a new person.
I seriously considered it. But then I felt, no, I can’t do that. I’ve done
General Bead, and it was a good place, but if I went back there I would be
going back in time somehow, running back to a safe shelter and not taking
risks in life. I’m going to stick it out with Starbucks for a while and see
what new opportunity comes into my path later on. No need to overreact. I’ve
already decided that from now on I’m going to keep my options open and keep
my ears to the ground. OK, so maybe Starbucks won’t work out. Maybe it will.
I should at least give it a good shot. It seemed like a good opportunity
when I accepted the job and maybe it’ll all turn out OK. Maybe I’m just in
a readjustment period. Anyway, enough about work. I have to work so I can
pay my bills, we all do. There is no perfect job. It doesn’t help to bail
out on the first sign of clouds.
One wonderful thing that happened today is that when I
came home from work, pooped and near tears, Owen was there for me in the
most beautiful way. Through some synchronicitous turn of events, Owen didn’t
have to go to school because they were renovating the floors. He was in our
little apartment sitting naked in front of our computer like a little cherub.
He listened to all my crap, held me while I cried, loved me. Near the end
of next month it will be our one year anniversary, one year since my breakup
with Elroy. We’ve been through so much together already. I don’t have to
hide anything from him. If there is to be a silver lining to my crappy day
at work, it was our afternoon spent warmly in love.
Peace, Blue
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Tabloid Tarot
I am using the Aleister Crowley Thoth deck of tarot cards,
and refer to a text entitled “The tarot handbook: practical applications
of ancient visual symbols,” by Angeles Arrien, Arcus Publishing Company,
1987. I will do a three-card spread representing past, present, and future.
The reading is as follows:
Past: Seven of Wands, Valour: According to the text,
“Valour is the courage to stay by what you value, not to compromise or settle
for less.” In terms of career concerns, this line is relevant: “Whenever
you pull this card it indicates that in the next seven weeks or next seven
months, it’s important have the courage to stay by what you value, especially
in the month of Leo or with Leo people in your life, anyone born july 21
to August 21. In the next seven weeks or the next seven months, it’s important
for you to stay by what you value as far as your creative expression or work
or career is concerned, and not to compromise or to settle for less. It is
a time to trust your intuition and past experiences.”
I’m not sure exactly how to read this, perhaps because
I’m afraid at what it may be saying. As I said earlier in this Tabloid, when
I accepted the job at Starbucks I was afraid that I was selling out, or taking
a job that is essentially just about serving coffee (when I know that I have
more to offer if I could just get around to finding out what that is). Am
I settling for less in this job? Is it a fit for me? Why can’t I seem to
find happiness in employment situations? What is it that I can do with my
life that utilizes my talents and skills, that doesn’t exhaust or dehumanize
me? What are my values? Have I become overly concerned about mundane affairs?
Present: Major Arcana, Wheel of Fortune: According
to the text, the Wheel of Fortune “is the universal principle of abundance,
prosperity and expansion... This symbol reminds us that we can turn our lives
in more fortunate and positive directions by being objective like the Sphinx,
flexible like the monkey, and reaching for new opportunities and ways to
express our creative power like the crocodile (I don’t know how all that
relates to a crocodile, but that’s what the text says in any case).
This is a reminder that expansion and abundance come with the willingness
to change and keep things moving by taking risks and being open to new opportunities.
The Wheel of Fotune reflects to us the opportunities and abundance that are
available to us by using our communication skills. Abundance and prosperity
abound when we express our ideas clearly, when we follow what has heart and
meaning, when we are authentic and expressive of the truth of who we are,
and when internally and externally we experience the unlimited possibilities
of who we are. The Wheel of Fortune is the accumulation of creatively expressing
oursleves in unlimited and inspirational ways mentally, emotionally, spiritually,
and physically.” i think this card is reminding me to not be hard on myself
for taking a risk and trying something new, first of all. Maybe Starbucks
won’t work out. maybe it will. I never would’ve learned whatever lessons
I needed to learn in relation to this experience if I didn’t at least take
a risk and give it a shot. if it doesn’t work out, i can move on to something
else. I don’t need to freak out and be fearful, thinking that I’ll never
get another job if this one doesn’t happen. My next job could be really right
on and maybe it never would’ve come to be if I hadn’t had the experience
of my current situation. This card is reminding me that my current situation
is not my final one; if I keep my eyes and ears open I could get a postion
which would better fit my needs. Or maybe i could be in a situation which
is not merely about a paycheck, but is more fulfilling on multiple levels.
A week or so ago I went to my friend Lars’ birthday party.
As you know, Lars is my friend from General Bead. We perform comedy skits
together with our friend Jim Jeske (recently featured in San Francisco’s
Creampuff magazine) which we videotape as part of a program we call the Show
Show. At the birthday party, Lars played our videotape thus far, about thirty
minutes of material. I can’t tell you how good it felt to experience the
reactions of the people in the room, laughing and enjoying our show. That’s
the kind of feeling I’m looking for, I think my abundance and prosperity
is there, and it may or may not have anything at all to do with money. Money
can’t buy the happiness and pride I felt at that moment, and during the filming
of the video skits. I also feel abundant and prosperous when I recieve letters
in response to the Tabloid. If my life experience, such as it is, affects
someone in a positive way, speaks to them on a deep level, that’s prosperity
to me.
Future: Three of Swords, Sorrow: This card talks
about the tendency to rework sorrowful parts of the past, especially related
to key triangular relationships like mother/father/child. it is a reminder
to look at the whole of the past, not only the painful parts. I think whet
this card is saying, since it is in the future position, is that I should
give up this habit and not color my presnt and future relationships with
any painful residue of the past. It’s saying that I should be more optimistic
(about relationships and career), while at the same time giving myself permission
to remove myself from painful triangular relationships that are not constructive.
The text says that this card “indicates that you are ready,
in the next three weeks or the next three months, to change your perspective
or thinking about the past by eliminating negative thinking which constantly
reworks the past, particularly the parts of the past that have created sorrow.”
Well, that’s true, I have been working on that one for years, and I think
I am improving. “When a person draws this card, it is an indication that
some past sorrow is affecting his or her current thinking, and that there
is a desire to release an old pattern which is producing the current sorrow
or sadness.” I wonder if some past sorrow is affecting my attitude towards
working at Starbucks? Do I have a bad attitude towards work in general? If
I hang onto past sorrow, will I ever be able to find a job that pleases me?
“Surrender removes all fear and tension. Surrender leads
one to peace and bliss. Where there is surrender there is love and compassion,
whereas fear results in hatred and enmity. But to surrender one needs a lot
of courage, the courage to give up oneself. It demands a daring attitude
to sacrifice one's ego. Surrender means welcoming and accepting everything
without the least feeling of sorrow or disappointment.” - Amma-
submitted by Ryan Loiselle, SF CA
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Upcoming events, links and contacts:
Past issues of The Love’s Supreme Desire Tabloid as well
as other Radical Faerie publications can be found at (http://www.eskimo.com/~davidk/faeries/pubs.htm).
(8/99): Cheap airline tickets at (http://www.cheaptickets.com).
(8/99): Come visit the chic web page of my well-travelled
graphic designer friend, Troy Litten. (http://www.troyland.com).
(8/99): Astrologer Rick Riedel’s account of “the
Grand Cross in the Heavens” occurring in mid-August (https://members.tripod.com/DiamondLight/cross.html).
(8/99): Ascension News. Well-meaning New Age stuff. I
don’t know if it’s crap or what but it’s something different anyway (http://www.eagleswings.com.au/news.html).
(8/99): ATTN NORTHEAST OR NEW YORK-BASED ACTORS: Cruz
Dann Productions is currently casting for their next very short film called
"A Heart of Gold", a ghost tale set in New York State in the early 1800's.
Male lead: "Mr. Claghorn", the "inconsolable" widower, a gentleman farmer,
who works the land, but is well-to-do. He's in his late 30's/early 40's,
somewhat tall and striking. He has a double personality - a civil and kind
Christian citizen and a greedy and hard-hearted drunkard. He is of Irish
decent and has that olden-day look... VERY IMPORTANT: the actor must have
naturally-long hair and sideburns to style into the typical forward-sweeping
romantic Regency style of the period. (Think of Wuthering Heights!). Lead
female: "Polly Kilkenny", the town gossip, in her '30's, energetic, expressionistic,
a talker. Needs that olden-day look and ideally of Irish decent. Supporting
female: "Young Mary", recently married, 18-21 years old. She is a frontier
wife who does her share of the work, but is a bit of a Cinderella-type, ruled
by her mother-in-law in the kitchen. Also needs that olden-day look, and
ideally of Irish decent. Shoot location: Corning, NY (upstate), Production
dates: October 7-12 (female actors require fewer days) Non-union. Small pay.
Expenses, food, lodging, and transportation provided, plus VHS copy of the
completed film. Preferably BY August 20th(!): Please send resume and head
shots, (or even snap shots) to Leslie Dann, Cruz Dann Productions, 115 Henry
Street, 5F, Brooklyn, NY 11201, www.cruzdann.com. PLEASE, dear men, If you
don't have the hair, don't send the picture! Thank you!!!
(8/99): OPEN CALL/AUDITION August 27, 3 pm, 37 Hanna Ave.,
Suite 234, TORONTO for DYING IS SEXY, a live performance by US artist Frank
Moore, presented by FADO as part of the international peformance art series,
TIME TIME TIME. NEEDED: 3 males, 6 females, 20-40 yrs. All types. Nudity,
eroticism, and improvisation involved. No wages. Must be available August
27-29. Dancers and musicians also welcome. Information: (416) 703-5230
(8/99): Come One Come All to the JACKIE HELL A THON, A
benefit For Jackie Hell (Seattle's premire Cult Drag Tragic/comedian on the
Dark side) for her medical bills from a recent drag/fag bash (ie a 2 by 4
upside the head) as reported in the Stranger. WED AUG 25 7:00-11:00pm, $5.00
Suggested Donation at the AEON GAllERY, 1510 12th Ave.Suite #2 at PIKE, Seattle
Wa, 98122, (206)323-8896, aeongallery@hotmail.com. Featuring: Cult Drag Movies
that Miss Hell made along with Ursula Android, Agnes, Kelly Kelper, Delihla,
Otto Erotic, Tony Radovich, & Mike Stegman. For the Kook Television Network.
& M.W. EBERT/Sulo Turner of Su Ann's Closet(Channel 29 Fame), Seattle's
Premire of EXTRA'S, OUT ON THE PORCH, TERAISTS. Live Special Guest Performances
by Jackies Drag Loyalists Who are Currently ON FIRE IN SEATTLE. Come
Dressed up fashionably boy/girl or whatever to be FILMED (optional). Then
Off to Queen’s Kitchen Starring Bitsy Bates at Neighbors (a live internet
Drag Talkshow) at 11:30pm
(8/99): Artist’s travelogue webpage: http://www.saraphina.com/
Suggest a link: What do you think would be of interest
to the other readers of Love’s Supreme Desire Tabloid? Drop me a line
with a brief description including URL, of course.
If you’d like to submit information about an upcoming
event, please email plain text, upper and lower case, so it doesn’t look
like you’re SCREAMING (unless you want to look as though you’re screaming,
then OK, DO IT ALL CAPS, WHAT DO I CARE?). If you format your text all caps,
then I’d have to RETYPE the whole thing to get it down into upper and lower
case, which is something that I am TOO DAMN LAZY AND SHIFTLESS TO DO. Please
carefully edit your text. As you caNn seE I hav enough truble trying to edDit
my ownE.