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Love’s Supreme Desire Tabloid, May 1999 (enjoyable read by Agnes or Ralph
in Simpletext)
First of all, let me personally thank you for taking the
time to read the stuff that comes from my heart to my brain to my fingertips,
not necessarily in that order. Thank you very much. How’s it going, what’s
up? All’s well here. I’m having a hard time thinking of something to write
because I don’t have anything to bitch about. Isn’t that absurd? So why write
the Tabloid? What purpose does the Love’s Supreme Desire Tabloid serve, anyway?
I’m actually hoping that some of you, especially long-term subscribers, will
consider responding to this line of questioning that more or less just now
popped into my head. Does it do something for you? Does it mean anything
to you? Does it help you in some way? Amuse you? Waste your time? Inspire
you? What? The reason I ask is that, you know, I spend so much time here
talking about myself and my life, mostly my inner life, and my hope is that
it has some meaning and some value to you, but maybe I’m just plain wasting
too much time gazing at my own navel. Maybe I’m self-indulgent and delusional
in assuming that anyone else should find value in my blabberings. I’m not
fishing for compliments (yeah right), I am just suddenly interested in getting
some feedback about why you read the Love’s Supreme Desire Tabloid.
On more than one occasion, writing the Tabloid and sending
it out to you over the internet has had the effect of a magical spell, healing
me internally, shifting my perception and the energies influencing my life
from negative to positive, or maybe just neutral, which is good too. It has
helped me manifest a happier life in the 3 and-a-half years (is that right?)
that I’ve been writing the Tabloid. In short, what I’m saying is, thank you
for reading the tabloid because the act of writing it and sending it to you
has been a powerful positive influence in my life. Clearly, it has been a
pleasure for me because I have a notoriously short attention span and have
been known to flake out on projects. For instance, I want to go to that project
meeting but the Simpsons are on and not just one Simpsons but two, and then
not one but two episodes of Friends, and then I could tinker around with
beads or maybe the computer or just read a book or talk with a friend, and
then later on hell yeah I could watch another episode of the Simpsons and
then News Radio, with the late great Phil Hartman, or I could watch whatever’s
good on PBS until it starts to get boring, then later maybe The Nanny or
Roseanne, or better yet, the anthropologically fascinating Jerry Springer
or Forgive or Forget with the warm-hearted full-figured red-blooded right
on woman Miss Mother Love. In short, 1) I don’t have much discipline whatsoever
regarding being a creative person, though I am disciplined and I do follow-through
when something really moves me, as does writing the Tabloid and 2) I really
like to watch TV. And that’s OK, because the point of really productive and
fulfilling creativity is that you don’t have to be disciplined to work, but
to play; to be embracing, open, aware, observant, receptive, responsive,
responsible. You only have to be disciplined about allowing yourself to be
responsibly undisciplined. And it’s best to honor your zigzagging path through
the brambles and the moors to the place which awaits us all, if only for
a moment, of deep personal contentment, happiness and satisfaction.
I mean, I recently read through some of my old journals,
back during the time when I was going through lots of crap, coming to terms
with my old demons, and I was almost sickened by the harsh baseness and simplistic
whiny naivete of what I had written. As a matter of fact, for the record,
if I suddenly die and somebody is cleaning out my apartment and they find
my old journals, please God let them remember that I was a young immature
idealistic drama queen trying to process my inner turmoil and I didn’t feel
OK venting my anger anywhere else but on the written page. Please God don’t
let anyone find my journals and think I was a psycho during those dark days.
Depressed yes, self-hating, yes, passive/aggressively self-destructive,
yes, but never a psycho. Ugggh, what ugly, dreary crap I wrote during my
bleak days of despair. I hardly even know that fearful, bitter little person
I used to be, but that was me, sure enough. I almost wanted to throw the
journals away, but of course you don’t throw your journals away, if only
so you can read them and realize where you’ve been, what you’ve learned,
who you were then and who you are now.
But damn, does everybody go through a period where they
obsessively write such whiny crap in their journals? I look back on that
period where I was constantly writing in my journals, and I realize, that
was how I hid from life, in a way, I was such an observer of myself and my
little mind that I could scarcely pay attention to the world around me, and
when i did, it was too often as though I were spying on the “other.” I felt
so alienated from life that I just drifted through it, feared it, paying
attention but not really paying attention. At one point I wrote, which shocks
and saddens me now: “I hope I get some dreadful disease and die.” What was
i thinking? Did I really mean that at the time or was I exaggerating for
comic effect? Didn’t I think anybody loved me? Why did I think I was so unlovable?
Was this all as ordinary and commonplace as the need to process my unresolved
anger and sadness over my parent’s unhappy marriage and eventual separation?
How emotionally damaged was I by being gay and Catholic in a conservative
town? My point is not to dredge up all that old crap again, because that’s
just exactly what it is, old dead crap, skeletons of memories. My point is
to say, that from rereading some of my old journals I’m realizing, damn,
I’m so thankful that I got out of that dark period, and aren’t I now in a
much, much, happier place? What I’m learning from watching TV and working
with the public in General Bead (www.genbead.com) is that damn, I’m
just as normal, meaning as dysfunctional, as everyone else. I’m OK! In fact
I’m thriving, though yeah I’m HIV+ but you know, my strength and happiness
started kicking in when I found out I was positive, when I started clearing
the bullshit out of my life, so I’m thankful to the virus. It’s been a gift
to me, it’s making me tougher, and lighter, more fearless and trusting. It’s
teaching me to both let go of, and embrace, life (and other cliches like
that). I do know I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for the virus,
and I like where I am, here in the ‘hood in my ordinary life, and I don’t
hate the virus. “Don’t give in to hate, that leads to the dark side”—Obi-Wan
Kenobi. Death was always there at the end of this journey, but it was the
virus that showed me life at a point when I was feeling like I wanted to
be dead. I take my medicines, but I am not “fighting” the virus. I’m trying
to learn from it, evolve my physical body and my spirit through my interactions
with it. I don’t hate it. When I found out I was HIV+ a voice in my head
said, “love the virus.” Can I say that I love it? That I love that it’s in
my body, that it came into my life? Even though it has brought so much happiness
into my life, can I say that I love it? Can I thank my lucky stars for making
me go through this? That’s probably a few years off. but I don’t hate the
virus, I don’t hate or resent being HIV+ any more. I must have chosen, or
been given, this path for a reason. I was always dying. The moment you are
born you start dying, but we all pretend that we can cheat death or outlive
everyone else or won’t have to suffer in life. But we do have to suffer in
life. Not all the time. We get to win now and again too. But suffering and
death are unavoidable. Pain is unavoidable, and so is pleasure. If you’re
afraid of life, a brush with death can make it seem a lot less scary. It
doesn’t do any good to be too afraid of death because it keeps you from living.
I learned that on Roseanne last night.
Speaking of mass media, damn I can’t wait to see The Phantom
Menace, I love that name, and I’ve always loved Star Wars though of course
it’s not great art. Great art can be such crap and vice versa. I’m watching
The Empire Strikes back as I write this. Sometimes a big Hollywood blockbuster
is exactly what the doctor ordered. Have you seen The Mummy yet? Some of
it is total crap, but it’s a fun movie, scary in parts, very exciting with
excellent special effects. Speaking of movies, I’m not being terribly productive
on that Narcissus Genetica film but I’ve been trying to get over a fungal
infection in the left corner of my mouth which has me feeling alternately
ugly and irritated, so I’m not feeling very sociable and attractive and have
been doing stuff around the apartment for the time being, like beading a
lampshade. I guess you could say it’s hiding out but it’s not like I don’t
work 39 hours a week with the public, so it’s good to have my personal private
quiet free time where I can hide out and pamper myself. I have definitely
decided to take a few film classes in the Fall at City College, and eventually
concentrate on screen writing. Jim and Lars and I are still filming stuff
for the Show Show, so things are moving generally forward in the performing
arts area. It’s OK if I’m sluggardly sometimes.
I went to visit my wonderful sister Karen at her graduation
from physical therapy school about a week ago (I have three wonderful sisters,
hello Sandy and Mary! ). Karen lives near Oklahoma City and we saw tremendous
tornado damage. We sat by the poolside and drank martinis. My mom was there,
we went thrift shopping and ate out a lot and giggled and gossiped like functional
families do. My family is as happily functionally dysfunctional as any other
normal family. What a revelation! I’m normal. They’re normal. We’re normal.
What a revelation! But enough about me. Such heavy shit lately! Huge tornadoes
in Oklahoma, World War 3, kids shooting other kids in schools. In my personal
circle, a few friends are going through tremendous personal trials. What’s
up with that? I don’t know, something in the air? Who to blame? Nobody? God?
It’s just life and death, life and death, life.
5/22 Today I felt moody at work. Probably
just stayed up too late, or didn’t get enough protein or water. I tend to
grab food on the go. Sometimes I go through periods where I drink too much
coffee and not enough water and suddenly I’ll notice that I’m smacking dry
lips and I’m in one of my quietly grumpy moods (which is OK, everybody has
good days and bad days, everybody has mood swings). I’ve noticed that
when I rehydrate my body and/or eat a big hearty meal, my mood will shift.
Anyway, that was a tangent there. What I started to say was, when I came
home from my moody day at work I took a nap, woke up at 8:33 PM and decided
to do one of my little magick spells for personal growth/spiritual evolution/material
providence.
When I work a spell I usually sit down and write all my
feelings out about what I wish to manifest (though I try not to be too specific,
and always give over the outcome of my spell to whatever would be in the
highest universal good). Then I may read it aloud three times, burn some
sage, smoke a bowl, do a little chant, whatever strikes me. I’m fond of chanting
“na mu myo ho rangay kyo” {that was a more or less phonetic spelling. I have
no idea what the words mean). That was the chant of Yusen Yamato, the Buddhist
leader of Global Peace Walk 1995. I also like that chant because one time
when I lived in New York City, the last day I was there I went out and got
drunk and some “na mu myo ho rangay kyo” chanters managed to get me to go
up to their little apartment where others were gathered. We chanted the thing
a bit and then they wanted to sell me a portable altar, which I declined.
I think I had a few more drinks before retiring.
So anyway, I was thinking about burning the piece of paper
on which I had written my “prayer,” which is essentially what it is. Then
I decided instead to print the prayer in the Tabloid, along the lines of
recognizing what a powerful spell it has been for me in the past to write
the Tabloid and beam it out to all of you. I’ll go ahead and burn it
after I write it here. By the way, this is a ritual I learned from my mother.
When I was a kid she used to sometimes burn letters such as this on the stove
top.
“Great Spirit I declare I am ready for success and acknowledgement
as well as prosperity, abundance, and most importantly simple peace and love
of mind. I declare that I am ready to let go of past hurts, fears and disappointments,
as well as present patterns of over-analyzing myself and those around me.
I am ready to let go of my moodiness and my sometimes mistrusting nature.
I want to be an open, loving, trusting, responsible, caring, successful person.
These are my goals. I give them to you as offerings of my life. Either manifest
these things for me or manifest that which is more in line with the highest
universal good will. I want to find my niche and/or simply be more aware
that I may have already found it. Help me Great Spirit, be with me, give
me strength. I commit my life to the spiritual path of love and beauty. I
aspire to love and beauty, peace, happiness, laughter, love, joy, spontaneity,
responsibility, abundance, boisterousness, trust, respect, and accomplishment.
Blessed be.”
Thanks for being out there and reading the Tabloid. I’d
love to hear your answers to the question I posed at the beginning of this
rambling nonsense. What, if anything, do you get out of reading the Tabloid?
Peace, Blue
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Tabloid Tarot
I am using the Aleister Crowley Thoth deck of tarot cards,
and refer to a text entitled “The tarot handbook: practical applications
of ancient visual symbols,” by Angeles Arrien, Arcus Publishing Company,
1987. I will do a three-card spread representing past, present, and future.
The reading is as follows:
Past: Major Arcana III, the Empress. From the subheading
“Sample affirmations to use while looking at the Empress:” 1) I give
wisely and I receive wisely 2) I enjoy leadership positions where I can model
ideas and feelings that are equally respected. 3) I value the healing power
of beauty, harmony and love---BINGO! 4) I realize that the capacity to receive
is equally as powerful as the capacity to give.
In reading the explanation that the above text gives to
this card, I am struck by how much it gibes with what I wrote in my prayer
above, with what I am experiencing and what I wish to transpire. For instance,
this line sums up the rest of the explanation pretty well: “The Empress is
the internal motivating energy for expressing love in the world and for breaking
destructive patterns which bind and hold back our self-love and expression
of love towards others. The major challenge toward expressing love is sorrow
held in the mind.... The experience of sorrow is often the result of having
abandoned ourselves, or from not communicating our feelings accurately, or
from being unclear about where and with whom our priorities and commitments
lie.”
Present: Minor Arcana, Ace of Swords. Damn, this card
too closely links up with what I had written in my prayer and also bodes
well for manifestation of what I would like to happen. For instance, this
line from the explanation in the text: “The Ace of Swords represents mental
clarity, inventiveness, and originality. It is the mind that has no doubt.
The Ace of Swords represents the balanced and receptive mind....creative
thinking, the inspired and innovative mind. The creative mind is willing
to express itself dynamically, and is constantly renewing and regenerating
itself. The Ace of Swords represents a good year in which to implement an
original idea or an important dream or purpose that can be actualized. This
symbol supports writing (screen writing?), editing, research of any kind,
and represents access to creative thinking, brainstorming, intuitive thinking,
and decision-making. Right on, I’ll take it.
Future: Major Arcana XIII, Death/Rebirth. Yeah,
of course whenever I see the Death card I think a plane is going to crash
into my head, but then I remember it’s all about one thing dying, an old
thing that has served its purpose, and some new thing being born. A new life
from the ashes of an old one. New directions, new energies, new possibilities,
coming to be because of what has come before. It is also about detachment
and release. This quote from the text makes me think of my breakup with Elroy:
“You recognize that detachment is a form of objectivity that includes caring.
Since you know the pain and suffering that attachment can cause, you are
willing to assist others in teaching or modeling how they can love objectively
and let go when necessary. You have the ability to experience life and relationships
deeply, and also have the ability to let go or release situations and people
when it is no longer appropriate or right action to stay attached.” The Death
card year is one in which you can experience the death of an old identity,
the ending of certain types of relationships (divorce may occur during this
year), the closure of certain creative projects or types of work, and simultaneously
the desire to start new relationships, projects, careers, and expression
of new parts of oneself. This card is all about letting go and moving forward
and “assists your process of letting go of old identities, lifestyles, relationships
and careers so that you can give birth to new forms.” Wow, the way
these three cards link up so tightly with the bit of magick that I just completed
is really encouraging to me.
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Upcoming events, links and contacts:
Past issues of The Love’s Supreme Desire Tabloid as well
as other Radical Faerie publications can be found at (http://www.eskimo.com/~davidk/faeries/pubs.htm).
(5/99): Call for artist submission for a group art show
(picnic) July Foot long (An alternative independence). Celebrating Freedom
of Expression. A circus, Drag, Fire Eater, Freak, Gothic, Punk, Queer Side
show.
Requirements: Art can be of any medium, for wall space
only 1foot by 1foot (footlong)
you are allowed 2 pieces. Also looking for performers,bands, dj's. To Submit:
Send up to 5 of best slides w/S.A.S.E to retrieve call, e-mail, make an appointment.
A resume & portfolio helpful (could lead to future Gigs). curated by
OTTO EROTIC
You are also welcome to display and sell as much of your
larger pieces outside my storefront,the 1st sat, also outside surrounding
business w/permission as long as you don't block entrances,window displays
and sidewalk flow. 12th & Pike along the fence line is a hot traffic
flow spot & lots of empty wall space, each and every 1st sat 1:00-6:00,6:00-10:00
street performances etc...
Deadline June 1st, Show time 1st sat, July 3rd capitol
hills artwalk (arts orbit). open house 1:00-6:00, performances & bands
6:00-10:00 pm,Dj's 10:00-2:00 am
Aeon gallery, 1510 12th Ave. Suite #2, Seattle, WA 98122,
(206)323-8896, aeongallery@hotmail.com. Aeon Gallery: A place of worship
at the altar of performance, art & music. An inter-disciplinary experiment
show casing emerging artists of ALL-AGES.
Change happens through freedom of expression, Art and
Revolution, Non-Violence,
Direct Action
(5/99): SETI@home is a scientific experiment that will
harness the power of hundreds of thousands of Internet-connected computers
in the Search for Extraterrestrial Intelligence (SETI). You can participate
by running a program that downloads and analyzes radio telescope data. There's
a small but captivating possibility that your computer will detect the faint
murmur of a civilization beyond Earth. Owen and I are participating in this
study. The program works as both an application and a screen-saver, so instead
of merely observing flying toasters or other such screen saver pap, you can
help out science and humanity in the search for intelligent life. What a
good idea! http://setiathome.ssl.berkeley.edu/. We love doing this!