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LSD Tabloid
Schmoozemagazine of the Love's Supreme Desire collective,
New Moon, April, 1997
This is LSD Tabloid, the monthly and then some callboard and events newsletter
of the Radical Faerie and Friends' creative/ healing spirit collective, Love's
Supreme Desire.
Tel-a-Fool events & info line /Fax: 415-333-9549, e-mail: bloobird@sirius.com
Thanks to David Kerlick, back issues of LSD Tabloid are available on the World
Wide Web
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Yeah, but so now what?---by Bloobird
Hey ho, how's it going? Pretty good here, can't complain. Actually, things
are going really well. But you know how sometimes when things are going really
well, you start to think, "so now what?" That's where I am right now, in a
state of restlessness. Not a bad restlessness, like "everything sucks so bad
I have to get out of this situation and fast," but a good restlessness, challenging
me to get going, to get my life in gear.
Why should I have to get my life in gear? What's wrong with my current state
and my mindset of just reducing stress and enjoying life more, taking it easy
and rolling with each moment, happy as it comes? Well, the thing is, when
I first seroconverted, I seriously was thinking in terms of, "my life's wrapping
up now. I'm going to just enjoy myself and be happy until my train for the
cosmos gets here." But I was operating under the old HIV/AIDS mindset. I
was thinking in fatalistic terms and wanting to just cruise softly into the
big whatever-the-hell-happens-next. But these are different times, not for
everybody, to be sure, but these days when you get HIV, it doesn't necessarily
mean it's going to kill you. That's really good news, right? Well, sure, but
we all die someday. And what will I do with the time between now and then?
Will I contribute more to my partnership with Dan, to my relationships with
friends and family? Will I do good things? Will I make the world a better
place? Will I make myself a better person? Will I continue to challenge myself
and hopefully others? Will I grow, or merely grow old? What will I do with
my life? Or is the true lesson to stop asking these questions once and for
all, to fully be in the moment, to stop analyzing?
The reason I'm asking these questions now is that my physical and emotional
health feels really, really good. I went to the doctor last week and he told
me my viral load (the amount of HIV in my bloodstream) was clinically undetectable,
from an initial high of 78,000 per unit. And I sure can feel the difference!
Before this steep reduction in bugs, I felt tired, run-down, irritable, and
spaced-out. These days I feel actually better than I did before I seroconverted
thanks to stress reduction, more exercise, lots of vitamins, minerals, beneficial
herbs, and some healing body work from my radical faerie friend who calls
himself Teddy Bare Healing Hands. But still, even though I'm feeling great
and want to do more stuff, I'm wary of getting back on the old stress roller-coaster
that was wearing me out physically and spiritually even before the presence
of HIV in my life.
What do I mean, "stress roller-coaster?" Oh my God, if you could've seen
me before the virus, trying to do everything I could for approval, driving
myself too hard in acting, in my relationships, being too hard on myself,
never being happy, always looking for...what? Enlightenment, understanding,
transcendence, healing, safety, happiness, love. Always looking, but never
appreciative of what I already had, which was a lot. Pushing myself into theater
and doing other things partly to boost my low self-esteem, but primarily because
of wanting to sacrifice myself to my art or sacrifice myself to gain enlightenment.
But too much sacrifice of myself was not a good thing, in my opinion, because
it led to negation and denigration of my self. No matter what I did, I always
ended up feeling disillusioned and exhausted because I wasn't nurturing my
self. People who devote themselves to getting ahead or getting a "good job"
similarly denigrate, neglect, and harm themselves.
OK, so I gave that up to "be here now" because I thought I wasn't going
to be here very long and I wanted to enjoy myself. But now it looks and,
more importantly, feels, like I may be here after all for a good long time
unless a truck hits me tomorrow. Every day there is more and more good news
about managing HIV infection. It is quickly becoming a chronic, but manageable
condition for many (but alas, not all) of us. I've been flush with energy
these days, and this is fueling restlessness because I don't know where to
channel it, but I want to do something positive with it.
How have I been channeling some of this energy up to now? It has come out
in a big return of my libido. Or perhaps, my libido is the healing energy
coming into my life? I certainly will not talk down, or talk in shameful,
guilty terms about sexuality. I was raised Catholic, and it has taken me YEARS
to be a happy and shameless sexual being, an innocent and free child in the
banquet of life. I will not go back to the days of apologizing, covering up,
or cutting down the sacred magick of abundance and sexual chi energy (as
the performance artist Frank Moore calls it, "cherotic" energy). After all,
I consider myself to be pagan, that is, of the country, of the land, of the
body, of the cycles of nature and of the planet, and I will never again subscribe
to the Christian view that sex is bad or sinful (not to cut down anyone else's
religion). After all, my dad recently pulled that shit on me and I told him
where to get off. It's too late to go back now and I wouldn't want to. Yes,
I'm being "safe," most of what I'm talking about here is cybersex. But even
so, how much of my new-found energy do I want to be directed to mutual pleasure
and titillation? Should it be channeled in more productive ways? Or is there
anything more productive than simply enjoying life and experiencing pleasure,
and giving pleasure to others, both spiritually and physically? How to best
direct one's energies? I don't know the answers, I'm just trying to figure
it out.
Now that I'm not looking death right in the face anymore (or am I?), have
I fallen back into my old unhealthy patterns, or have they been permanently
altered, refined, tempered with a new understanding? Is this all just ego
neediness again? Am I falling into the same trap I was in before? Never satisfied,
always looking, grasping, wanting "more" meaning, peace, fulfillment, excitement,
engagement with my spirit and my muse and with the world in general? I don't
know. I guess we all run on cycles of contentment, self assuredness, peace,
comfort, relative ease, and then that all starts to get cloying and we want
to push ourselves again in the real world. That's where I am now, a changeling
somewhere between HIV-positive and -negative, between contentedness and restlessness,
but I'm not freaking out. In fact ever since I let go of my unhealthy relationship
with my biological father, I've been as happy as Liberace. I'm not about to
go back to those days. I'm enjoying the present, and instead of dreading the
future, I'm embracing it, but with a certain amount of impatience and anxiety.
I want things to work out better from now on. Maybe I "want" too much, in
the buddhist sense of attachment. Or maybe I should "want" more, and start
accomplishing things. Or maybe I need to re-define what I think "accomplishing
things" means. Am I already accomplishing things, but I don't recognize them
as accomplishments? Am I cutting myself down again? Am I getting stuck in
the mud again, over-analyzing everything and being too hard on myself? Or
is this restlessness a healthy kick in the ass?
This from a letter I recently wrote to my new friend Ganesh in NYC: "When
I told my Dad off in that postcard (April 97 LSD Tab.), I immediately began
to feel liberated. From him, from his values, from the whole fucked-up worldview
he holds, which is essentially about conformity and the deadening of the spirit
in order to achieve the goals of material comfort, status, social standing
and a spot in the trailer park in the sky known as "heaven." It really is
the whole bag of shit that people rebelled against in the sixties, against
the values of the fifties, yet here it is in the nineties and still it goes
on.
The old worldview dies hard, but it feels like it is dying more and more
each day, like we are approaching a critical mass of people who are following
their own little voice, living in the moment, receiving the bountiful blessings
of a benign universe instead of struggling in the worldview of scarcity and
competition. I know this all sounds very cheesy California New Age, but it
really does seem as if the neanderthal right is grasping at the tail of the
inevitable future which is already passing them by."
Met a guy on the beach last week. HIV-positive for 11 years. Calls himself
Phoenix Rising these days because he's overcome so many crisis. He said to
me, "don't you think the revolution is proceeding nicely? It's time for the
bluebird to sing. It's time for the bluebird to fly." I think I know what
he's talking about.
Beltaine dream 3 am 1997 ---by Haia the Venusian
We climb many of us to the top of a tower to put on a performance carrying
pieces of metal with us. It takes forever but we dance and sing as we go...and
when we arrive at the top at last on the rough plank platform that overlooks
the Bay, and we go racing down a spiralling ramp naked and tumbling in mad
play.
For Joe Hill ---by Haia the Venusian
The following passage is from a letter I that I wrote to Don Miller from
NYC on December 19, 1960. He recently returned to me for my archives all of
the letters that I wrote to him between 1956 and 1968: "True...strong...indomitable...Miller
racing unsleeping across the great western desert of America---cup of coffee
balanced on the midnight dashboard of a first-gear Ford. And Miller do you
for a moment doubt that on these Sunday New Bedford mornings the Portuguese
and the guitars sing to me alone on the soft lingua radio.
"Bellboy (innocent as his 67 years) knocks on the door of grandma room 518
next to mine and asks if her set is out of order---in a rasping voice of violets
she answers, "never use it or have it on. I have no feeling for it at all.
So good afternoon, young man."
"Someone asked me why if I be a vegetarian (at least ideally) do I not remove
the incisor teeth which it was pointed out, only the animals use. But, I think
now, can I call myself (or any man) less the animal (or more?) Or and until
comprehension and grace---comprehension and love---can we deign to call ourselves
a name but the most snarling of fanged carnivores?
"Here it is snowing small wet lick flakes. Beating their triangulated brains
unto the sacrificial sidewalk they continue to die their winter deaths. Or
is it part of another plan (this winter suicide of the snowflakes) of which
I am not a party?
"It is told that the day before the beautiful labor saint Joe Hill was to
be murdered by the State of Utah, he wrote a letter to Ben Williams, the editor
of Solidarity, and it was this: '"John Law has given me his last and final
order to get off the earth and stay off. He has told me that lots of times
before, but this time it seems as if he is meaning business...tomorrow I
expect to take a trip to the planet Mars and, if so, will immediately commence
to organize the Mars canal workers into the I.W.W. And we will sing the good
old songs so loud that the learned star-gazers of Earth will all get positive
proofs that the planet Mars is inhabited...I have nothing to say about myself,
only that I have always tried to do what little I could to make this earth
a little better place for the great producing class, and I can pass off into
the great unknown with the pleasure of knowing that I never in my life double-crossed
a man, woman, or child.'" I concluded my letter to Don with these thirty-seven
years ago musings: "Sounds of the ultimate disaster fill the city with their
wail... Their banshee moan...overriding even the elements. I or you would
call it a police car or the fire or the death wagon. But would some not remember
the terror of childhood? And some a sled whipping like ninety down an anywhere
hill and some a pony across the fields and some the caught breath of the very
heart top of the summer ferris wheel.... Joe, says the wail. Joe again the
banshee moan. And Joe the moving word and the song of the striker worker everywhere."
Haia the Venusian, cottage cheese on his breath, is drawn magnetically into
a pole sticking out of a truck and fractures two of his teeth. His advice,
"beware cottage cheese." Haia the Venusian's head goes supernova when struck
by a meteorite while walking in the financial district. His advice, "wear
comfortable shoes."
But seriously, my dearest friend Haia is a wonderful trickster genius/fool,
generous and kind and beautiful to the very marrow, has had a string of bad
luck like the one that so irritated the Job of biblical lore. First, he was
struck by a motorcycle while on his messenger job several years ago. Then,
many other medical ailments were uncovered. Now the creditors and his landlord
are breathing their stanky, sweet-poison breaths down his neck. The great
and magickal, innocent child Haia asks for a bit of assistance to ease his
steady stream of woes, which he consistently faces with humor and good lard-butter-tofu
stir-fry soups for all to share: "If anyone can help Haia Ted Berk with a
contribution to meet large accumulated medical expenses incurred treating
his coronary heart condition, for x-rays, and for a recent biopsy on his tongue,
please send to Haia Ted Berk, 415 Lyon st., #7, SF CA, 94117." Haia has been
generous and kind to many homeless and poor. Can anyone send him a small
donation now? Or at least, send him good magick love-healing blessing vibes.
(for info about Haia the Venusian and more of his dreams, see http://www.links.net/vita/sf/haia/)
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NEW projects, plugs and upcoming stuff like that there
* Call for submissions: Gutterfag 'zine, queer post-apocalyptic
diary. Anthology of queer present and past history, marginal queer culture
from the past, present, and future. Send submissions to Junker c/o Haia Ted
Berk, 415 Lyon st., #7, SF CA, 94117. See webpage www.sfo.com/~nextweek/gutterfag.html
* The Rising Underground: Free festivals, summer, 1997.
This summer, four major free festivals will occur around the united states.
Festivals are open invitations to all sound systems, bands, performers, drummers,
circuses, freakshows, DJs, and party people. These festivals will showcase
unknown groups, all of different genres, to be seen by a crowd that otherwise
has not seen or heard them. It is important that these festivals show the
different styles of the underground such as punk, techno, jungle, house, goa,
dub, reggae, hp-hop and funk as well as insane, traditional, apocalyptik performers,
jugglers, clowns and freaks. We must all remember that the underground is
a mentality, a different way of living. It is TIME TO UNITE the different
factions, in one area, to bring the free spirit to the people, to show the
world we can do it ourselves and that we can be a community with our own justice.
Please open your eyes and join in The Rising Underground. Help us spread
the word by making your own flyers, bringing the underground together. May
30-June 1: Milwaukee area, wisconsin. July 4-7: Autonomous Mutant Festival,
pacific northwest, oregon-washington. July 18-21, Full moon festival, San
Francisco-Los Angeles, CA. Sept 5-7: Houston, Galveston TX. The Rising Underground
free festival info: 1-888-984-2075. www.hyperreal.com/~spaz/underground/rising.html.
* Poetry at the Paradise: featuring Sparrow 13 Laughingwand
and David P. Gollub (sp?), followed by open mic with perhaps Haia the Venusian,
bring stuff to read. Paradise Lounge, 11th and Folsom, SF, CA. Free door but
hey, buy a drink. Sunday, May 25 at 8 pm
* Thee Carnival Ov Wonders: June 5th through July 5th,1998.
Thee Discordian Student Union(Mothman Cabal ov WV), with Intifada Productions
is now in motion to perform thee miraculous...THEE CARNIVAL OV WONDERS. Planned
to be a constantly evolving, travelling circus, that will manifest itself
on thee East Coast on June 5th, 1998; and convene at thee Great De-vival ov
thee Sub-Genius on July 5th, 1998. Being as yet only a glimpse ov a dream,
Thee above organizations humbly request your help in thee undertaking ov Thee
Carnival ov Wonders; and as this is still only a concept it is, ov course,
quite malleable according to thee wishes ov any who are involved...THEE CARNIVAL
OV WONDERS in its current conceptualization is to be a Marauding Horde ov
Artists, Musicians, Poets, Dancers, Lunaticks, Hereticks and Circus Freaks;
whose current desire is to deliver joy, information, happy chaos, sounds,
images, words, ideas and other beautiful non-sense unto this bleak world in
which we live... MASS HYP(g)NOSIS. At present, Thee DSU and Intifada Productions
seek to gather together any Organization, Individual, Band, Publication, Collective
or Otherwise that is interested in coming together to form A United Front
opposing thee Dominant Paradigm(greyface) and having a hell ov a lot ov fun
in thee process...THEE CARNIVAL OV WONDERS. We entreat upon YOU to contact
us with any ideas that you may have concerning this venture. If you have
thee time and inclination, please join us in our work. This invitation is
open to ANYONE, this means YOU. If only to travel with us to enjoy thee show
you are welcomed... IF YOU BELIEVE IN ONLY ONE THING THIS YEAR: BELIEVE IN
THIS! The Carnival Ov Wonders is Currently Desperately in need ov: 1.Bands
who want to tour next summer 2.D.J.'s 3.Individuals who have thee following
skills and/or inclinations to: Jugglers, Fire Eaters, Dancers(any), Orators
and Poets, Performers, Magicians, Contortionists, Escape Artists, Lunaticks,
Psychicks(any "medium"), Artists (any genre), Snake Charmers, Strongmen, Musicians(any
"weird" genre), Organizers, Promoters, Managers, etc. 4. If none ov thee
above apply to you then you are still invited to join on this venture(we
are always happy expand our vision) 5. Money, Crash-Space, Food, Venues,
Help, Ideas, Advertising, Vehicles, Props, Instruments, Promotion, Printing,
Tents, PA's, etc. THIS COULD BE YOUR CHANCE TO "RUN AWAY WITH THEE CARNIVAL"
Please, do not delay, get in touch with us or at least pass this message
on to anyone who would be interested. There is nothing in this world that
may not be accomplished with creativity, work, and perseverance. Don't let
this chance pass you by...Yr Hmbl Svt, Morghune' Kate' DSU/Intifada Productions
XXIII Aequalis. Contact: http://www.whitebuffalosociety.com. ... click on
the Activities Pot. With Great Excitement, We Look Forward to meeting you!
Email webmaster@whitebuffalosociety.com. Join us every Thursday Night for
Pipe Circle on PowWow at mailbag@whitebuffalosociety.com . 7:30pm EST
* The Cherotic [R]evolutionary, a zine of all possibilities,
presents VOICES FROM THE UNDERGROUND, an evening of readings and music by
a wide range of agents of cultural subversion, featuring Dorothy Jesse Beagle,
Barbara Golden, Noni Howard, Jack Foley, K. Atchley, Frank Moore, plus special
surprise guests. If that is not enough, everyone will get an autographed xeroxed
piece of art by LaBash! Friday, June 27, 7:30 p.m. at Modern Times at 968
Valencia Street in San Francisco.
Resources
* Faerie discussion group: Send message "subscribe faerie"
to Majordomo@QueerNet.ORG
* Holy Faerie Database: CA and Wolf Creek gatherings and
events. PO Box 426732, SF CA 94142
* NOMENUS: PO Box 312 Wolf Creek, OR 97497 (503) 866-2678
If you would like to list something in the space above, call Tel-a-Fool
at 415-333-9549 or e-mail bloobird@sirius.com . Links and URLs are welcome!
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Time is not money. Time is art.
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