Click the bird to return to 99 index
Love’s Supreme Desire Tabloid, March 1999
What follows is an excerpt from the book I am writing,
which is very much like the Love’s Supreme Desire Tabloid, as you will see.
I just can’t seem to stop talking about myself, but then maybe that’s my
calling in life. It’s the last time I’m going to mention Elroy for a long,
long time. It’s time for me to respect his privacy and put the matter to
rest. After what happened today, I know what a damn selfish fool I can be.
May you be wiser than I in your endeavors.
February 23, 1999
Hey, haven’t written in a while. my mom came to town for
over a week and we had a good time. We tripped all over the city, took a
bus out to Yosemite, really talked a lot and bonded. I got the February Tabloid
out and bawled my eyes out writing it, still working through crap about breaking
up with Elroy. His birthday and Valentine’s day were a few weeks ago, and
it was a tough time for me, thinking about him, wondering what he thinks
about me, how he’s feeling. Of course I know I have to let go of him and
move on into the future, after all I am really happy with Owen and we seem
to be getting tighter everyday. My fears about Owen regarding the possibility
that he may drink too much, and that he may be irresponsible with money,
have all but disappeared now that I’ve gotten to know him better. I feel
so much more comfortable living with him than i did with Elroy, and for the
first time in my life i can honestly say that I can see myself being happily
married for the rest of my life. When Elroy and i had our commitment ceremony
in front of our friends at our Christmas party a few years back, I had serious
doubts going into it. I felt like I may end up feeling trapped, or that Elroy
would want to change me somehow, I don’t know, I guess I knew way back then
that it may not work out (i should have followed my instincts). With Owen,
I don’t have the fear that I’ll end up feeling trapped or that he’ll want
to change me into someone else (Elroy may have never explicitly tried to
change me, but he obviously would have been happier if i were a different
kind of person).
Anyway, i wrote a ton about my feelings on the breakup,
and it was helpful in my process of letting go and moving into the future
with Owen, but of course I still think of Elroy and wish him well, and even
hope to be his friend again someday. I must confess that part of me is pissed
off at him for cutting me off so cold, and that I wonder if he wasn’t secretly
happy that I left him. He sure took no time in packing my shit up and getting
it ready for me to get the hell out of his life. He sure didn’t put up much
of a fight. He didn’t put up any fight at all. Now he’s just sitting over
there ignoring me and it makes me feel a couple of different things, like
“yeah, this is an example of how cut off he is emotionally.” On the other
hand, it also makes me wonder if the breakup was so painful for him, and
such a harsh surprise, that he simply is in too much anguish, on a deep level,
to want anything to do with me. Does he feel like I totally betrayed him?
That I used him over the years for money and shelter and so on and then dumped
him? I certainly never did, but maybe he thinks this about me now. It should
be clear to the casual observer that I am not a gold-digger, however. Owen
is barely scraping by because he’s in school, and in fact I’m paying most
of the bills right now. I left Elroy for love, and because I came to know
that our relationship was not going to get any better. We were simply too
different. I understand a certain amount of bitterness over this, I mean
if he is in tons of pain right now, clearly he may have loved me more than
I was able to perceive or appreciate. He was good to me and kind, and I’ve
been over that before. I know he loved me, and I loved him too, but it wasn’t
enough to hold us together, that’s all. I hope he’s not going to be bitter
about this forever.
I did something i guess i shouldn’t have today; I sent
him an email; really just a dumb joke about the Teletubbies (Jerry Falwell
just “outed” Tinky-Winky). I know I should just leave him be but i can’t
help wanting to reach out to him somehow. Can’t he feel that? Doesn’t he
miss me a little bit, too? I’m not trying to stalk him, I just want to keep
the lines open a little bit, that’s all, but i guess i should just let go.
i do need to let go. I still have his web page on my “favorites” links list,
I still consult my pendulum oracle to see if he still thinks about me, if
we will ever be friends again, if he’s happier now that I’m gone. I know
I need to just let go and be in the present, because it doesn’t help anything
to be in two or more time frames at once. i need to be in the present and
stay focused and together. I’m sorry for hurting Elroy and i want to be his
friend again but i have to let go of the situation, which is a challenge.
I think I’m going to do some ritual work about it. i have to let him do whatever
he needs to do, I need to stay out of his life if that’s what he wants. it’s
selfish of me to keep bugging him, I know that. But is it so wrong to want
to stay in some small contact? No, it’s not, it’s understandable, but I have
to let go.
This is the final nail in the coffin. What follows is
an auto response from Elroy’s email server in response to a letter I wrote
today following up the dumb joke I sent him.
This is an auto response from recipient x@x.com. The following
mail is undeliverable. Email recipient x@x.com has added the
following address and/or domain name to an anti-spam filter:
bluemoor@earthlink.net
You may wish to remove recipient x@x from your email distribution list.
Thank you.
X Enterprises, Inc.
>Date: Tue, 23 Feb 1999 14:40:06 -0800
>Subject: please read this message
>From: "Mr. Bluford J Moor" <bluemoor@earthlink.net>
>To: Elroy <x@x.com>
>Mime-version: 1.0
>X-Priority: 3
>Status: U
>
>Elroy, after i sent that last email message to you i realized once again
that
>i have broken my word about not contacting you. I so wanted to send you
a
>message on your birthday but decided that the best thing i could do on
the
>occasion would be to respect your wishes and just leave you alone. Now
I
>find myself trying to reach out to you once again. I'm sorry if it seems
>that I am lingering, or stalking, this is not my intention. I just want
to
>know how you are, I want you to know that I miss you. I do care about
you, I
>always did. The only reason I am writing is to let you know that I hope
we
>can be close once again. Maybe that is wishful thinking on my part, i
don't
>know. I have no idea how you feel on the subject, that's why I'm writing.
>I'm terribly sorry for hurting you, I truly wanted things to last forever
>between us. After this point, I will respect your wishes that I make
no
>effort to contact you, though my natural inclination is to want to heal
the
>anger and pain between us, if at all possible. Perhaps it is still too
soon,
>I know it is too soon right now, but I'm hoping to at least plant the
seeds
>of a future reconciliation. If you do not respond to this email i will
>assume you are still so angry at me, so bitter about our breakup, that
some
>sort of reconciliation is impossible at this point, and I will leave
future
>attempts at reconciliation in your hands. After all, it is selfish of
me to
>try to inflict myself upon you if you have truly have no interest in
future
>contact with me. If you should ever find it in your heart to forgive
me and
>appreciate the good times that we did have together, for there were many,
>please contact me. From this point on i will leave you alone, because
I know
>we both have to move on, but my hope is that we can be friends again
one
>day. I wish you happiness and the best of everything. Blue
>
Unless this book gets published and Elroy reads it, he
will never know that I sent him this message today. Because I made the stupid
mistake of sending him a dumb joke about Tinky-Winky, he added me to a spam
list so that all of my messages will be returned to me unread. This is tragic,
really, but there’s not a thing i can do about it. Snail mail the letter
to him? yeah, right. He’d never read it and I’ve already blown it now, it’s
finished. He’d probably rip up any letter I sent him, put a restraining order
on me, whatever. It’s really fucking over now. There’s no way I can contact
him, and I know by this point that he’s not interested in hearing from me
at all. To think, that he would put me on an anti-spam list, after all those
years together. It’s really fucking over now. I guess it’s a good thing.
Now i can really move on. Sorry Elroy, there’s nothing more i can say to
you. You won’t let me say it, you’re not interested. How can you turn yourself
off like that? I did make the right decision. I can’t believe that the last
words out of my email mouth to him were, “This is funny, thought you might
enjoy it. Later, Blue,” followed by some stupid fucking Tinky-Winky joke.
What was I thinking? I always hated those fucking Teletubbies, anyway.
Oh well, on the way over to Lars’ house I felt all freaked
out about the letter I mailed Elroy, how he would receive it, what he would
say. I didn’t even want to look out into the BART Station near where I used
to live with Elroy, i was afraid I might see him, I was even afraid of running
into him at Civic Center Station, unlikely as that was. So do I really want
to reconcile with him or am I just feeling guilty? Why am I afraid of running
into him? For a moment there i was thinking, maybe I should snail mail him
the letter. It’s tragic that he may never know what I wrote in the second
letter. But maybe it’s a fitting tragic end to an ugly breakup. I’m not going
to push things any further, he may end up hating me. Maybe he already does.
I still can’t believe that my last words to him via email were so fucking
inane. Did i really stop to think about how my casual contact through the
email might hurt him, shake him up, rip off his scabs? I guess I really was
being selfish and stupid, and God, did I blow it. But I see he’s made his
decision, it’s very clear to me now, very very clear. It’s time to move on.
Damn, what an ugly fucking mess. But I can’t focus on that anymore, not one
bit. It’s over, it’s really fucking over.
On the ride over to Lars’ place, as I was about to say,
I did give it over to Great Spirit, I said, “I can’t see my way clear on
this Elroy breakup thing. Clearly I need to move on, help me move on or accept
whatever is best.” then I get home and find this message in my box, so cold,
so final. Basically, the message said to me, in businesslike, courteous (bullshit)
language which i will translate as follows, “You have been cut off from contact
with this person, by his explicit request. He has asked us to boomerang to
you any message that you send him, regardless of the content. He wants you
to leave him the fuck alone.” That’s a pretty clear message, and with a nice
slap in the face from Elroy, to boot. OK, it’s over, it’s dead, I can take
a hint. Sorry Elroy, boy did things go sour fast. Again, I wish you happiness
and the best of everything.
∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™
Tabloid Tarot
I forgot about this feature when I started writing the
Tabloids again, so i thought I’d pick it back up. I’m drawing these cards
on the same day as i wrote the above passages about Elroy, February 23rd.
I presume that the reading will have much to say about the unpleasantness
at hand, the final breakup of this relationship, which once looked so promising.
I am using the Aleister Crowley Thoth deck of tarot cards,
and refer to a text entitled “The tarot handbook: practical applications
of ancient visual symbols,” by Angeles Arrien, Arcus Publishing Company,
1987. I will do a three-card spread representing past, present, and future.
The reading is as follows:
Past: Four of Cups, “luxury.” This card talks
about the experience, or the desire to experience, emotional luxury; that
is to say fulfillment, comfort and happiness on an internal as well as external
level. It talks about unwillingness to support the dichotomy of feeling externally
full but internally empty, or internally full but externally empty. The text
specifically mentions Cancer, which is Owen’s astrological sign. This makes
me remember that yes, I felt I had to choose, i was unwilling to support
something that wasn’t working for me, though it seemed to be working externally.
I did choose, and I chose to follow my heart, and aren’t i happier because
of it? Instead of focusing on the tragic crappy breakup of the relationship
which wasn’t working, maybe i should give myself some credit, pat myself
on the back for making a tough, scary decision which could not be avoided.
I should congratulate myself for making the right choice, because now I am
certainly sure that i made the right choice. It’s time to be at peace with
my decision, and to be more fully in the present moment, so that I can honor
the good love and peace that I feel internally and externally at this point.
Present: Eight of Wands, “swiftness.” This card talks
about direct communication and swift action breaking through blocks or obstacles.
It basically reminds me that today I asked for resolution or clear direction
regarding my breakup with Elroy, and I got some swift response. it also makes
me wonder, though, if the card is saying that I should mail the lost email
message to Elroy, communicating directly instead of covertly, as i am doing
here. Of course I am hoping that some small measure of the goodwill I feel
toward Elroy somehow gets back to his ears, else i wouldn’t print the text
of the lost email message here in the Tabloid, or in my book. But I simply
can’t snail mail the message to Elroy, it’s all shot to hell now anyway and
mailing it to him would just make things worse. This is about as direct in
communication with him as i can possibly be right now. Maybe someday he’ll
read all of this and see how strongly i felt about him, how hard it was to
let him go, how much remorse I feel, and yes how guilty I feel, and how much
i hope he’ll forgive me, or at the very least try to understand. But “swiftness”
in this text is mostly saying to me, “you wanted to move on, so move on!
You got your message as directly and as swiftly as electrons passing from
one computer to another. Be at peace with your decision.”
Future: Knight of Wands “is committed to the principle
of spiritual growth and evolution.” This represents someone who is “unwilling
to edit, rehearse, or hold back any part of who he is. He represents the
power of deep internal shifts and perceptions that are being dynamically
expressed. He rides the unicorn horse, which is the symbol of vision that
has purpose and application. This is the Vision Quester who has attained
a significant vision and is mobilizing all energy to actualize it. The Knight
of Wands holds the torch, the Ace of Wands, in his hand to burn out any blocks
or obstacles that might stand in the way of his vision. He has the ability
to shed old beliefs and to honor the shifting perceptions he has of himself
and others, which is symbolized by the reptilian suit that he wears. He charges
forward, eager to share perceptions and insights which can assist deep changes
internally and externally.” Well, I quoted so much of the text there because
it moved me so much. I take it to mean that I aspire to be the kind of person
represented by this card. This is what i am trying to do here, writing the
Love’s Supreme Desire Tabloid. I am committing my life to spiritual growth
and evolution, however difficult that path may be, eagerly wanting to share
what little bits of wisdom, or humor, or sheer bullshit, whatever it is that
I have picked up along the way that may help others along the path.
I am not saying that i am wise, but i do aspire to wisdom, that’s for sure.
∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™
Dream of 7 February, 1999---Haia Ted Berk
“I awaken with Mischka, my faithful white familiar at
my feet and there is this communication from my solar comrades John Lennon
and Jimi Hendrix, who this night are in what they describe as the green vortex...
greatly grooving on magick mushrooms... and with whom in the ‘60’s I exchanged
commentary on space intelligence and manifestations from the fourth dimension.
This transmission is given me: ‘Haia, aloha! Know that on high noon
on 23 July of this year, which will be your 64th birthday, the beings of
light will manifest on Haleakala crater on Maui, and what they wish to communicate
to us will be transmitted if we hold a crystal to our third eye, which is
the space between our eyebrows. Aloha to All!’”
∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™
ATTN: ALL PERFORMERS
As of the other evening, I here at WoNdErLaNd MaGiC am
looking for performers for a Faerie Circus troupe. An avant-garde performance
group of caricatures and characters. I would like us all to perform
at events such as marching with the faeries and performing in the San
Francisco Gay Parade and also for performances at Wolf Creek this summer.
*Please, send me Email pics of yourselves and description of acts to me
for this is only the beginning of something very substantial. As an added
note I am discussion with another faerie as to opening an intense kind of
beatnik flop stage area for the use of individual performances and works.
This space would be in San Francisco. Further details to follow. Special
attention shall be played to fire eaters, glass walkers, pony jumpers, clowns,
jugglers, all sorts of mystical and magical creations. Serious only
need apply. Near the Bay Area a plus for rehearsals, et all., although
if this became a national touring group of faeries and places around the
country I would like knowing who is where, in case we would come to your
neck of the woods. d:-)> Imagine a traveling troupe of faeries,
how marvelous!!!!!
Magically,
TROY REILLY (a.k.a. Griffin) http://www.IamMagic.com
∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™ ∞ ™
Links and contacts:
Artistic faerie fun in Tennessee at IDA: http://www.mindspring.com/~goatboy/idaland/
RFD Magazine, a country journal for gay men everywhere: http://www.rfdmag.org/rfd.htm
Tel-a-Fairy, Event & message tape for San Francisco Bay Area Faeries
: 415/626-3369