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Love’s Supreme Desire Tabloid, April 2000
Love’s Supreme Desire Tabloid, in publication since 1995, is a free internet-based
monthly publication written by Blue Moor, aka Bluebird/Clear Blue Easy. This
publication is enjoyable read by Agnes or Fred in Simpletext. Submissions
are welcome. Feel free to forward the tabloid to any interested parties. Contact
me for more information at bluemoor@earthlink.net.
And so the wheel turns
On the heels of the death of my father, I find myself
uncertain about the future of my relationship with Owen. Last Saturday I once
again angered him by consciously or unconsciously slighting him, spending
time with friends/lovers instead of him although we had made tentative plans
to hang out. He confronted me the next day about my behavior towards him,
and we decided to take a step back, not break up, but take a step back and
not consider ourselves to be in a primary relationship with each other. To
be honest, he had every right to be pissed off about my ongoing behavior,
because I have been drifting, not really giving him the kind of attention
he wants and deserves to receive (but I do not accept all of the blame, his
work schedule is pretty demanding). I am sad to be at this point once again,
feeling simultaneously like a failure at relationships and rejected for who
I am, unsure whether I will ever be able to be fully present for anyone, since
this seems to be a pattern in my life. Although I never like to be alone,
I’m always more into doing my own thing whether it be working on creative
ventures, hanging out with friends, sleeping around, or just watching TV,
than really giving myself to another. Maybe someday I’ll have the focus and
maturity to be fully present for someone. Maybe it’s not all my fault, maybe
what’s going on is that we are simply moving apart, or not as compatible as
we thought we were, though we do have a love and affection for each other
which will clearly endure in one form or another. It’s not like we’re fighting,
or dislike each other, but we’re clearly in a period of sorting things out,
unsure where we may find ourselves in six months to a year. Perhaps we are
just going through a gray phase in our relationship which will pass like bad
weather. I do know that when I hooked up with Owen, we had a strong love energy
passing between us, a connection so strong that it helped me see what wasn’t
working in my existing relationship, and for the most part I think we have
a good relationship. I’d hate for us to confuse the natural mellowing of
a year-plus relationship as grounds for divorce, but then maybe something
deeper is going on, I don’t know. I wish I could be more sure of my feelings
in this area, but at this point I’m not. I just don’t know whether my behavior
towards Owen, and our current redefinition of our relationship, is a sign
that we are not as compatible as we thought we were, or if it represents my
lifelong pattern of a fear of intimacy and inability to make a commitment
to another. I’m always shopping around, always looking. Somebody better may
be around the next corner. Somewhere out there may be the perfect person,
the perfect job, the perfect whatever, which would fill me to the brim. This
is a pattern of mine, never being fully in the present, always full of desire.
But how to be fully in the present and remain open to what the future may
bring? Perhaps a more perfect whatever is out there for me? Am I dissatisfied
with my current relationship for good reason, or am I subconsciously looking
to find problems so I can be “free” again or on to the next adventure? Am
I fated to always nitpick and find fault and constantly drift from thing to
thing, never settling, always protecting myself, always the loner in a crowd?
Now that I’m writing this, I realize that I want to say to Owen, “yes I love
you, yes I want you in my life, if only for right now!” Is my pride and vanity
standing in the way of committing to another, or is there some other reason
why I drift from lover to lover , never fully giving myself to them, always
holding back for fear of---what? Being hurt before I can hurt them? While
I’m saying it, why not be honest, why am I such a whore? Why the insatiable
desire for sex? Why such a dispersal of energy in this way? Is my “temple
whore” nature a good thing, this broadcasting of pleasure? Is it merely common
lustful American attention deficit boredom or the justifiable search for
a better romantic fit? Why do I need so much attention? Such validation that
I am attractive? Am I afraid of being by myself? Of the silence of an empty
room? Will I ever be happy in a longterm relationship with another? Is there
a perfect relationship out there for me? Would I be better off by myself?
Not hurting anyone else, like I hurt Dan, like I seem to be hurting Owen,
like I may hurt some future person? I just don’t know the answers to these
questions right now, and so I’m trying to adjust to this new stage of our
relationship, recognizing the wisdom of Owen’s suggestion that we take a
step back, open to what would be best for both of us, unsure what that may
be.
At the beginning of our relationship, I was very clear
with Owen about my cynicism, pessimism I guess would be the better word, about
relationships in general, about my ability to have a successful relationship.
I was very cynical at that time because Dan and I seemed to be happy for so
long, though things were crashing beneath the surface, at least for me. I
was disillusioned because at one time I thought our happiness and contentment
with each other would go on forever and yet we completely split up and to
this day do not communicate. Despite my fears and misgivings, we decided to
make a go of it, and we’ve had lots of good times. We may go on to have lots
of good times, I don’t know. Right now I’m giving this situation over to
the Universe, as I have done with other important situations in my life, because
I simply don’t know what would be the best for all parties involved, it’s
unclear to me. I have done my usual ritual of writing my feelings out and
burning the letter, and by the way this is part of the magick, writing this
all out in the Tabloid, unloading it into cyberspace. I am trying to be simultaneously
present, responsible, engaged and detached from the end result, trusting
the Universe to work things out as they are meant to be. The only thing we
can be sure of is that time changes everything, the wheel always turns as
it will, and we are at once utterly responsible for and powerless to control
what the future may hold.
All I know for sure at this time is that I am not going
to jump into another relationship for a while. Now that the initial sadness
of this transition has washed over me, I welcome some time as a relatively
ksingle person. I have to learn how to function on my own, because if history
is any quide, I’m just no damn good at primary love relationships, perhaps
because there is something else that I’m better at, and have been neglecting,
and need to embrace.
SUMMER SOLSTICE SONG---YEAR OF THE COMET
PAN DANCE...
PAN SING...
PAN JUMP IN THE MAGIC RING,
MOON LEAPS
ACROSS THE SKY
KISSES VENUS ON THE EYE!
PAN DANCE...
PAN SING...
PAN JUMP IN THE MAGIC RING.
22 JUNE 1996
HAIA OF VENUS
IN FAERIE LOVE
Haia will be reading with singer/songwriter/guitarist Garrin Benfield as
the opening act of Boz Scagg’s national tour at the Mondavi Winery in Sonoma
July 22nd.
Upcoming events, internet links and contacts:
Check out SHOW SHOW, a comedy skit series written, directed by and starring
Jim Jeske, Lars Micha, and me, Blue Moor, produced by Mark Kliem of the fabulous
Lavender Lounge Studios: http://www.lavenderlounge.com/showshow.html
For information about the Summer 2000 gathering at Wolf Creek, OR check
out this link: http://www.IamMagic.com/Gathering2000.html
Saturday Night Drag show at Aunt Charlie’s, 133 Turk st, SF. Fabulous, fun,
down-home inner city drag show hostessed every Saturday night at 11 PM by
Miss Gypsy Callabresie, with regular appearances by the spectacular Vickie
Marlane, “the $2 Million Lady” Miss Gina, Grizzella Presley, Daphne Deluxe,
Miss Mona Lott, Miss Noczema Jackson, Reality and others.
Suggest a link: What do you think would be of interest to the other readers
of Love’s Supreme Desire Tabloid? Drop me a line with a brief description
including URL, of course.
If you’d like to submit information about an upcoming
event, please email plain text, upper and lower case, with as few artificial
paragraphs as possible. Make sure to carefully edit your text, as I am too
goddamned lazy and shiftless to do it myself