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March, 1997 LSD TAbloid
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This is LSD Tabloid, the monthly callboard and events newsletter of the
Radical Faerie and Friends' creative/ healing spirit collective, Love's Supreme
Desire. Next tabloid deadline is April 1.
Tell-a-Fool events & info line /Fax: 415-333-9549, e-mail: bloobird@sirius.com
Thanks to David Kerlick, back issues of LSD Tabloid are available on the World
Wide Web at http://www.eskimo.com:80/~davidk/faeries/pubs.htm
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It's almost Spring in my beloved, beautiful San Francisco. My home town,
Cincinnati, Ohio, is all wet
Last time I talked about how I wanted my life to be fun, different, psychedelic,
interesting, new. And you know what? It's starting to happen. The old neurotic,
needy me has begun to fade into the background and a new, happier, more fulfilled
me is coming into being. The new me has let go of control, of old pain, of
expectations. Well, I would be lying if I were to say that ALL of my neurosis
are gone, but then, why would I WANT all of my neurosis to go away? My goal
is not to turn into some buffed and bleached perfect grain of white rice,
but just to be more happy and functional in the day-to-day world, and it feels
like I'm beginning to reach this goal. Sometimes I wish I didn't have to
get HIV to make this changeover, but the universe works in kooky ways and
hey, I'm not one to nitpick.
The biggest change from last LSD Tabloid is that all of my immediate family
now knows that I am HIV-positive. I wrote them all a four-page letter about
the whole thing, reassuring them that my wonderful partner Elroy is being
a true Prince Charming (no surprise there), that he is helping me go to a
good holistic doctor, that our home life is, if anything, happier than it
ever was, that my friends have been right there for me, and that I'm trying
to accept this as a growth and learning experience, not a "tragedy" or a "shame."
You know, something along the lines of well, this is a plague, a modern plague,
and it just caught up with me, that's all. People have always gotten bugs,
gotten sick, died, and gone on to the next phase. Trying not to take it too
gooey or sad or syrupy or any of that soap opera shit. Also, of course, I
don't plan to just go out without fighting back, although I don't intend
to look at this from a militaristic approach, like "I WILL TEAR THE HEAD
OFF THIS VIRUS AND THROW UP DOWN ITS THROAT." I'm practicing an active acceptance
and release while keeping my health and my spirits way up. Sort of a Zen
Rambo position. I'm writing this thinking, "are you trying to show them how
butch you are?" No, I'm not, but it's really true that I am uncomfortable
looking at all of this like, "Poor bloobird, struck down in the prime of
his youth, he could have had a fabulous career washing dishes."
Anyway, how did my family react to all of this? Well, my mom was kind and
sweet even though she's Catholic and has always been uptight about me being
gay, though she doesn't lecture or condemn me about it. She's been "tolerant"
in a distant sort of way, "loving the sinner but hating the sin," I think
they say, euphemistically. She was quite good about it, though, offering to
come out to San Francisco if I needed help, or that I could come live with
her if I needed, just very wonderful about the whole thing. I wrote her a
letter saying, "if I ever doubted that you were in my corner, I don't doubt
that any more." When a crisis strikes you, you quickly discover who your
friends are. I hope our relationship will become tighter after this, but
I'm not going to have exaggerated expectations about it.
My three sisters have all been fabulous so far, and this may open up a whole
new level of dialogue and understanding among all of us. I am beginning to
see how the fact of mortality in the life of one so close is causing them
to face all kinds of tough questions about life in general. I was surprised
by the amount of sadness and emotion this has unleashed in them, but perhaps
I underestimated their response because of my "Old Me" habit of thinking that
I am not all that valued as a person by those in my family. They have proven
me wrong.
How has my father reacted? He has made no response whatsoever. I could go
on and on about our messy (lack of) relationship, but what's the point? I
can't be who he would like me to be and he can't be who I would like him to
be. I've finally decided that that's just the way it is, the way it was meant
to be. I could not be the "me" I am today if it were not for my experiences
with my father. And I like who I am, and I'm even happier about who I am becoming.
So what, we can't be a part of each other's lives. Maybe it's better this
way. I already feel more free, like I'm no longer living in the shadow of
his expectations for me, and so I can be and do whatever I want, with no
back sass from his bad Republican self. Of course it's deeper than this, but
I'm letting go for a change, just letting go.
We've been behaving towards each other for all my life like Doctor Frankenstein
and his Monster; my dad disappointed that I am an art fag, a spiritual seeker,
a fuckup, whatever he thinks I am, and me just trying to get him to love me
for who I am, his son, a human being, someone he used to care about. But that
melodramatic scenario has gone on quite long enough, for both of us, thank
you, and I'm not going to beg anymore. I have better examples of fathers already
nurturing me (and they are gay, thank you). I'm finally coming to terms with
this deep anger and sadness, and yes, resentment, that I have always felt
about my relationship with my father. Until recently, I always directed that
anger at MYSELF. I allowed him to make me feel clumsy, stupid, unacceptable
over all these years, I had internalized his cold appraisal and it had beaten
me down. But no more. I suddenly feel free of him, free to accept my anger
at him. I am forgiving myself for treating myself so harshly all these years
in his shadow. A big part of my internalized homophobia was coming from him,
and it has held me back from enjoying my voice, my talents, my life to its
fullest. The healing has begun, and if he chooses to exit my life, I forgive
him, but I am going to thrive without him, no fear, no regrets, no more whining.
All this time I had been so afraid of rejection, and now that it's happened,
It's no big deal. A fear confronted is a fear defeated. Thanks, dad, for
everything.
So much for that. "Next!"
This is the paragraph where I just throw in stuff I wanted to say, haphazard-like.
I'm reading a biography of Alan Ginsberg by Barry Miles called Ginsberg: a
biography, by Harper Perennial. Wow, fascinating, inspiring, what a guy, what
a life. Rory is almost finished doing the desktop-publishing of the second
Love's Supreme Desire 'zine called LSDXXX. It should be ready to distribute
by next month, maybe. Congratulations to my friend Flynn DeMarco (multi-talented
performer, designer of the cover art for the next issue of LSDXXX) for taking
the editor job at Odyssey magazine, I just know you'll turn that rag around.
Here's to photographer Lisa Law, author of the book Flashing on the Sixties,
for spending three or so hours on an impromptu house-cleaning at the home
of my best friend Haia the Messenger. Honey, this was no easy task. Anyone
who knows Haia T.M. knows that that boy, bless his heart, is tolerant of a
mess. Sister removed like sixteen bags of trash from his house and did it
with a smile, just because she loves Haia. Now that's nice! Spent a wonderful
afternoon with the cartoonist Robert Triptow (once editor of Gay Comix) a
few weeks ago, thrift shopping in the Mission, where I bought four bedraggled
off-brand Barbie-wannabes and some clothing (remind me not to carry my credit
card when I'm stoned). Robert and I have discussed collaborating on a comic
strip and I CAN'T wait! I'm planning to go to the summer solstice gathering
at Zuni Mountain Sanctuary in New Mexico (contact dbalsam@prodigy.com.).
Hale-Bopp
The comet called to me last night. It was 4:35 AM. "Come outside and let's
look at each other," it said. So I, sleepy-eyed, but unable not to respond
flash-exchange brain waves- comet Hale-Bopp waves walked almost in a trance
to the middle of the panhandle and looked towards Coit tower---giant Priapus
on the hill and yes, there it-he-she-us---was!! Trails of light behind him---trails,
see!! Ram Dass and Tim Leary were riding on a tail and up there also was my
home planet Venus. So we were three stellar-earth-sex soulmates. Groovy beatnik
cosmic playmates out for a gander at each other. I was trance-fixed. I was
fixed! Yep, I was fixed! I worked again! So I figured it was time to go back
home and hug Sam, my grey cat familiar. He's on my lap now.
---Haia the Messenger
Projects, Plugs, & Cool Stuff Upcoming
* Planet Fox: Drop-in Drag Clinic and Cabaret with drumming
circle. Yes, that's right, Drop-in Drag Clinic and Cabaret with drumming circle.
Hosts are the Fabulous Shrimp Creole and Fistina Faucet. First Sunday of
each month after 10 PM at CoCo Club, 139 8th St., SF. Bring drum to get in
for free.
* MAYA: Plays all original cathartic dance music -- it
ranges from fast and funky, dark and multi-layered, to disorienting and polyrhythmic,
quiet and acoustic. We like playing clubs, but we love playing parties. If
you're interested in setting up an event, or know of one that MAYA should
be involved in, call GARRIN at 415-931-9561. Please call this number to request
a tape. Upcoming gigs: March 13, (call for location), Benefit for Impact Theatre
Co. March 22, Paradise Lounge, SF.
* Tel-A-Fool: Sponsored by the Love's Supreme Desire collective,
Tel-A-Fool (415-333-9549) complements Tel-A-Faerie (415-626-3369), which lists
Bay Area radical faerie general information. Tel-a-Fool lists Bay Area radical
faerie and friends arts and creative/healing spirit events and is a free
service. If you want a radical faerie and friends presence at your event,
call Tell-a-Fool at least one week in advance.
* Sweat Lodge friends: Hello. I am searching for gay Native
Americans who would be interested in discussing Native American spirituality,
particularly shamanism and sweat lodges. For those readers of this tabloid,
you will remember Bloobird's wonderful and insightful experience in a sweat
lodge. I have done some reading and there is also a wonderful video on a sweat
lodge that is available at the SF public library, Main branch. What I would
like to envision in the future, is a sweat lodge outing of serious gay souls
to participate. I would like to find a gay Native American who is familiar
or can facilitate a sweat lodge. I feel that this must be done correctly
and with great respect and reverence for the ritual. If there are such individuals
out there who are willing to do this or know of someone who would, please
contact me: Don Crisostomo, 1169 Market St. #256, SF, CA 94103 or send email
to: donc@sfaids.ucsf.edu. Thank you.
* Strawberry Dance Jam Benefit Party: to celebrate the
Frank Moore-LaBash art show at 848 and to benefit the mission of 848 Community
Space! Bring your dancing bodies and musical instruments and a donation from
50 cents to $50. It's cheap, almost free, so you be too, cheap and free! Friday
March 21, starting at 8 PM at 848 Community Space, 848 Divisadero @ McAllister
in San Francisco.
If you would like to list a project in the space above, call Tel-a-Fool
at 415-333-9549 or e-mail bloobird@sirius.com
Time is not money. Time is art.
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"Oh, lighten up, willya?" Bozo the Clown to Franz Kafka over jelly donuts
at the Chilly-Mart.
Return to faerie publicatio.. Also visit this lovely, trippy, mind-blowing
site at www.2013.org and you shouldn't miss the Gay Kens of San Francisco
at www.sirius.com/~fishpaw/ And don't forget the Frank Moore site