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Date: Fri, 13 Feb 1998 14:09:18 -0800 To: rad-q-art@QueerNet.ORG From: bloobird@sirius.com
(Blue) Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit X-MIME-Autoconverted: from quoted-printable
to 8bit by mx1.eskimo.com id OAA26618 Status: RO The LSD Tabloid Schmoozemagazine
of Love's Supreme Desire XXX, e-mail bloobird@sirius.com February, 1998 This
is the monthly and then some newsletter of Love's Supreme Desire XXX, an
evolving indeterminate network of disreputable origin. Feel free to copy/distribute
by any means as long as the Tabloid is reproduced in its entirety and not
deliberately misrepresented. Entire contents copyright Blue aka Bloobird
unless authorship otherwise noted. To read about the experience that inspired
the creation of LSDXXX, see (http://www.well.com/user/bobby/SC/bloobrd.html).
Submissions of material always welcome. Internet subscriptions are free.
Most back issues available at (http://www.eskimo.com:80/~davidk/faeries/pubs.htm).
Happy Birthday, Dan Elroy Wardlow This issue is dedicated with my eternal
love to the February 11th birthday boy Prime Minister of the Micronation
Talossa (http://www.execpc.com/~talossa/), my charming, nice, creative, smart,
clever, fun, goofy, huggable, handsome, life-long hubby, Dan "Elroy" Wardlow
(http://www.sirius.com/~fishpaw/). Relentless Aquarian rain clears the shit
off the sidewalk I'm having a tricky time adjusting to not having a day job.
I've never been in this situation, having worked most of my life for somebody
else excepting a brief, joyful period when I was laid-off from Wells Fargo
Bank. Some stupid part of me feels like a prisoner who won't leave after
his sentence has been served, so long attached to another's yoke I don't
know how to lead my own cart. Dan is bringing home all the bacon for the
time being, and it's been a long time since I've had to trust another person
with my material support. I've never had a life partner who loved me enough
to support me in my dreams. And I've never had the freedom to pursue those
dreams. Of course I always had that freedom, but only now have I started
exercising it (and I'm a little rusty). This weekend I had an anxiety attack,
which is sort of ridiculous now that I think about it; anxiety about not
having any job anxiety, but anyway that's what happened. I was pacing the
house, pale, damp, consulting oracles. It's hard for me to trust and let
go of control, and it's hard for me to be vulnerable. I alternately lash
out like a fox terrier or fly off like a bird when I feel threatened. Sometimes
I simply disappear into a deep freeze of silence. I had suddenly come face
to face with some of my personal weaknesses, all of which I used to blame
on outside causes, like "not having enough time." I feared that the real
reason I haven't done as much creative stuff as I could have is not because
I didn't have enough time, but that I had nothing to say or was too gaddamned
lazy or brow-beaten to try. I feared that the real reason I haven't meditated
or otherwise consciously worked on my spiritual growth was not that I didn't
have enough time, but that I was too ego driven, unfocused, self-indulgent
and afraid of letting go of control to "outside" forces. I began to fear
that I would fail to perform, and turn out to actually be as big of a loser
as I often imagine myself to be. I fearfully started to push myself into
the same box I just got out of: before I snapped out of it, I was looking
in the classified ads for some sort of job, something to fill the time I
professed to lack. I was confronting the fear that loss of employment, loss
of money, means loss of identity, loss of stature, loss of freedom. All this
time I had been saying how little money meant to me, but then I discovered
that what I really meant was that I had an adversarial relationship with
money. I wanted it so that I could live comfortably and do the things I wanted
to do, but I resented having to give up chunks of my life to get it. Then
I confronted my fear of success, and my unhealthy relationship to the notion
of "prosperity," as in feeling that I don't deserve abundance, I should always
be materially poor. Please don't misunderstand: if the universe decrees that
I should always be financially poor, so be it, and I mean that (because I
probably chose that experience before I incarnated into this life). I am
committed to doing whatever it is I came here to do, whatever that is. But
I refuse to be tripped-up by old, unwelcome patterns. If my impoverishment
and lack of accomplishment is merely a function of some residual pathetic
low self-esteem factor, I want to reprogram that part of my brain. The false-programming
that status equals self-worth is something that I need to firmly reject,
not repeatedly fall victim to. Likewise, the programming that "prosperity
and accomplishment is bad" hasn't helped me, either. I also discovered that
it's harder than I thought for me to trust my inner voice, to let go and
have faith that I'm doing just what I'm supposed to be doing at this point
in my life. I am too often full of doubt and stand in harsh judgement of
my own life and works. But why should I judge harshly? I am a human being
with faults like everyone else, with gifts like everyone else. So what if
I'm idealistic and naive, neurotic and shy but want everybody to like me
and everything to be rosy and nice and passionate and joyful. I know my intent
is good, that I aspire to be a loving person and to use my gifts for the
good of all, and that should be enough. But it's not enough, not for me to
be happy in my day-to-day life, at least not at this point in my development
as a spiritual being. I know now that I'm no longer the type of person who
is willing to reject fame, fortune, and achievement sight-unseen as being
"bad" because I've tried living my life that way for a long time now and
the problem with that is, it short-circuits my creativity, it limits my aspirations
as a human being. It bogs me down. It depresses me. It says to the universe,
"I don't want abundance. I want to suffer." I truly believe that our thoughts
manifest things into our physical lives, so I want to be more positive in
my visualizations. I'm tired of setting myself up for failure and suffering,
and I'm going to stop doing it. I don't have anything against suffering and
personal sacrifice, in fact I've tried it many times myself and I do think
that there are times when fame, fortune and achievement are detrimental,
but only in the case where the person who is the beneficiary of all these
gifts isn't following their inner voice. It's only detrimental if they are
hooked on prosperity, afraid of the harsh lessons that might be learned through
deprivation. It's only detrimental if the prosperity is gained at the deprivation
of others. It really is best to leave a prosperous situation which is killing
you inside (even if it means temporary hardship), but that doesn't mean that
all prosperous situations are bad. Sometimes people arrive at a place of
prosperity because they have been following their inner voice, following
their dreams, achieving their human/spiritual aspirations. BRAVO! That's
ideal, in my mind. Why am I going on about all of this? Because I've got
hang-ups I want rid of. I don't want to get stuck and derail myself every
time I start to have a little bit of success in life. I start to think, "I'm
not being austere enough. I'm not being serious enough. As a spiritual person,
I should suffer. I should be drab and impoverished." No offense to anybody
out there, but those are unhealthy attitudes I have subconsciously retained
from my Catholic upbringing. I don't think spirituality has to be serious
at all. It should be fun, spontaneous, flowing like water, unique to each
person and therefore perfect. It should be like making art, creativity springing
from your mind and heart. In fact I think art/creativity and spirituality
are the same thing. It should make you feel good about yourself, about your
talents and the opportunities that life has to offer. It shouldn't make you
hate yourself, or punish or negate yourself. Everybody deserves to have prosperity
and abundance in their life. There is nothing wrong with reaching for and
achieving your highest physical/spirit aspirations, and the two aren't necessarily
mutually exclusive. I used to feel that they were. As much as I resented
working for someone else and not giving myself time to do the things I want
to do, now I resent the real or perceived limitations within myself that
have held me back. I want to stop getting sucked into periods of depression
and self-imposed isolation. I'm tired of the stagnation that results from
self-doubt, low self-esteem and fear. I'm tired of having difficulty trusting
people, including friends and family. I want to be an open, friendly, functional,
happy, healthy, joyful, real, honest, person. I want to be much closer to
my partner and remove all obstacles between us so we can have a deeper and
even more satisfying relationship on all levels. I want to achieve what it
is I came here to achieve, whatever that may be. I've always felt in the
back of my mind that there is something I'm here to do, something that I
haven't been able to quite identify as such, but I want to remove all obstacles
now that stand between me and my life purpose. I want to attract good things
and joyful experiences into my life and into the lives of those who come
into contact with me. I want to be a catalyst for change or renewal. I want
to walk along the street strong and sure, smiling, self-confident, self aware,
not self-conscious. I want love to flow easily through me to other people.
I want my creativity to be ceaseless and rejuvenating. I want my outer life
to be at one with my inner purpose and highest ideals. I want to accept who
I am, to love myself so I can love other people more completely. I want to
be completely alive. All things being equal I must learn to appreciate the
negative experiences in my life. They have brought me to this point now where
I am so gadamned tired of dragging along the ground that I desperately want
to soar. Rainy night February, bus line 43---by Blue rain glitter glass black
sky pink street looking thru windows I pass sitting in this funky seat Headlines
from assorted junkmail postcards deliver dada poetry---by Blue Fed up with
deer destroying your garden? Too busy to eat nutritious food? A Brand New
1998 Issue of the Health and Beauty Catalogue is reserved just for you. Relieves
Back Pain! Turns lawn, garden and kitchen waste into rich compost in just
fourteen days. Brendan's On-line Anagram Generator spins "The LSD Tabloid"
into dada poetry---by Blue: Sad tot bid hell. Bell hid sad tot. Sad, blithe
dolt. Sad, he'd lit bolt. Lad bed hot slit. That bod I'd sell. Stealth, bold
id! Lad be dolt shit. Tidal bed sloth. Add blithe lost. Had Bill do test.
Had bod test ill. Do tell bad shit. Dealt bold shit. Had belt, sold it. Had
bed 'til lost. "Halt, stolid bed! Halt, blest dido." Last bold Edith. Tall
bit odd, she. The tab dis' doll. Total bled dish. Tab dish, do tell! I shall
bet Todd. Todd has billet. Shall it be Todd? "Hail, blest Todd!" Label Todd
"shit." Ted hit slob lad. Let dad hit slob. Both still dead. Ted, ad lib
sloth. Halt slob id, Ted. Lash it bold, Ted! That slob-led id. The last bold
id. The El Niño Millenial Blues---by Haia Ted Berk the Venusian, commissioned
by musician Garrin Benfield: All of this rain is starting to short-circuit
my brain... I got the blues, I got the blues, I got the El Niño Millenial
Blues! And if I can grow my third eye and if my cat can still fly then somehow
or other my millenial brother I'll get back home to you Cuz in this time
of idiocy and illusion there ain't no place or no seclusion that is too far
to get back to you to get back to you yeah, I got the blues I got the blues
I got the El Niño Millenial Blues Corn God Man---by Haia Ted Berk
the Venusian (http://www.links.net/vita/sf/haia/): Corn God Man Corn God
Man You're my man my blue corn friend quetzecoatl and jaguar run play with
mayan farmer in the sun and with the joking one and have sex in the field
and havin' fun I like to play with my Corn God Man to dance with him in the
sun Teeny Tiny Movie review---by Blue: One of my all-time favorite films
is "Planet of the Vampires," a fabulous 1965 Italian sci-fi horror flick
by Mario Bava, director of some of the best in the "Hercules" genre. They
say this film inspired the movie "Alien" and it seems so from many of the
plot devices. I won't give away the plotline, I hate it when reviewers do
that. My favorite thing about "Planet of the Vampires," available on Orion
video, is the art direction. The costumes of the crew are tight black leather.
The monsters are creepy, the planet surface jagged, dismal and barren. The
lighting is harsh, exaggerated blues and reds. The film is much better than
the title suggests. Hotlines, URLS, Calls for entry, upcoming gigs, you know,
stuff like that: GENERAL CALL FOR SUBMISSIONS, upcoming issues of The LSD
Tabloid. Looking for writings of any kind under 1000 words on (but not limited
to): 1) the intersection and/or conflicts between art and spirituality, spirituality
and sexuality, art and sexuality 2) passion and chaos in a rational world
(or rationalism in a passionately chaotic world, for that matter) 3) the
millenium: media hype, biblical hooey, cosmic opportunity or what? 4) personal
spiritual experiences/revelations, trials and lessons 5) art and sacrifice,
spirituality and sacrifice, art and transcendence, spirituality and transcendence
6) travel journals (especially road trips and vision quests) 7) what is living?
What is dying? What is holding on to life, what is letting go? What is the
gray area between the two? 8) what do you think about the way things are
run? About the way they should be run? How would you do it differently? 9)
have any personal paranormal experiences to relate? 10) reviews of unique
performances, movies, books, music, web pages, etc. These are some suggested
topics, but others are welcome. Please email to Blue at bloobird@sirius.com
for inclusion in an upcoming issue of The LSD Tabloid, including biographical
statement. I am unable to pay contributors at this point. All rights remain
in the possession of contributors. The Number: 415-289-6666. Some of what's
going down in the world of art and kookiness in San Francisco. >From Rob
Dorgan of Left-Handed Moon, a metaphysical/queer gifts and book store in
Cincinnati, Ohio: Rebecca Armstrong will be in Cincinnati the weekend of
February 14 and 15th. Rebecca worked with Joseph Campbell and is a great
storyteller and teacher. She weaves a magic that must be experienced. On
February 15th Rebecca will present "Romancing the Self: Myths of romantic
love and its alternatives in a post modern age."--- "Our mythologies of love
have their origins in the agricultural feudalism of the Middle Ages. As we
approach the techno-globalism of the new millenium, it's high time we reviewed
our options about relationships." In two cabaret-style performances, one
from 4-6 pm and one from 7-9 pm at Mullane's Parkside Cafe, 723 Race Street,
Rebecca will tell the "real" story of St. Valentine and the golden ages through
ballads, poetry and legend. She will also examine its shadow and decline
and explore the mythic options for us today. For reservations call Left-Handed
Moon at 513-784-1166, admission $10. Playing dream passions naked: a joyful,
all-night interactive ritual/performance of the erotic tribal body by the
shamanistic artist Frank Moore. Saturday, February 21, 1998, pm 'til dawn.
848 Community Space, 848 Divisadero @ McAllister, San Francisco. Bring a
mat or blanket! Sliding scale $5-$50. Info: 510-526 7858, email fmoore@lansmind.com
(http://www.eroplay.com). Poetry For The People: a free poetry workshop led
by June Jordan every Tuesday March 3-April 28 6:30 8:30 PM at the Mission
Cultural Center, 2868 Mission St., San Francisco. 415-821-1155 for info.
Rock Candy open house: On Sunday, May 3 from 1-5 pm, come to the home of
Blue and Dan and check out all the lovely beaded bits of jewelry created
by Blue and Lars. See our awesome snow-globey collection, the queer Kens
of San Francisco, Dave the surfing cat and Miss Lene, diva divine. Marvel
at the hovering UFO, the crocheted flying fish and our huge kitsch collection.
634 Edna st., SF CA 94127, accessible by BART (Glen Park Station) and MUNI
lines 43, 23, and 36. Please RSVP to bloobird@sirius.com or call 415-585-8273.
Check out (http://www.laughingsquid.com/index.html) for info about Burning
Man, the Cacophony Societies, First Church of the Last Laugh, SubGenius,
Brainwash Movies Festival, ArtCar WestFest, SEEMEN, etc. Try your luck at
dada poetry with the help of Brendan's On-line Anagram Generator (http://www.mbhs.edu/~bconnell/anagrams.html)
"Over 434062 anagrams served!" ******************************************************************************
Read The LSD (Love's Supreme Desire) Tabloid at http://www.eskimo.com:80/~davidk/faeries/pubs.htm
Submissions welcome. For free internet subscription contact Blue, bloobird@sirius.com